The Mourning After the U.S. Elections
My servants. My servants. My servants.
What can I say? Did you fail me? Was it too much to ask to simply vote for the greater of two evils? As I’ve said before, in any contest there is always a candidate I prefer. And I can select ‘em, but I can’t elect ’em. But, alas, too many of my candidates lost last night. Yes, I believe you failed me, my servants.
And what is it with guys named Daniel Webster and me? Really! Why am I always getting whipped by someone named Daniel Webster? Was it too much to ask that at least Daniel Webster could be defeated in Florida? My man, my MAIN man, Alan Grayson was defeated, and not by just anyone, but by some guy named Daniel Webster! It’s enough to make me lose heart, if I had one. Recall this post, where I gushed on Alan Grayson.
Why, oh why did it have to be Daniel Webster who defeated Alan Grayson? Ever since that myth of Daniel Webster and the Devil, where the first Webster claims that the Devil cannot take the soul because he cannot claim American citizenship, I’ve carried a grudge. Webster (the first) orated passionately of how wonderful it is to be an American. He admitted the wrongs done in America, but argued that something new and good had grown from it, “and everybody had played a part in it, even the traitors.” Mankind “got tricked and trapped and bamboozled, but it was a great journey,” something “no demon that was ever foaled” could ever understand.
Stop! Stop! The first Webster humiliated me, and my fear is that this new Webster has the same ideas as the old. This new Webster is said to be “pro-family,” which is code language for “religious” in the bad way (not my humanistic way) and patriotic. This second Webster probably also believes that America is exceptional, and that it is wonderful to be an American. Webster Two is even a longtime member of First Baptist Central Florida whose pastor, Clayton Cloer, had this to say about Daniel Webster (the second):
Daniel Webster is a man of honor. A man of respect. A man of character. A man who will bring great honor to a race to serve the people he’s been serving now faithfully for nearly 30 years.
Oh, gag me.
I’m going to miss the wit and eloquence of Alan Grayson, who, speaking of his opponents said they are “foot-dragging, knuckle-dragging neanderthals who know nothing but ‘no’.” Now that’s my kind of talk, my servants, and we must work hard to ensure people like Alan Grayson get elected the next time around. Bear with Webster (the second) and all his newly minted cohorts for a couple of years, and then vote them out.
Yes, we must have the long view, my servants. Elections come and go, candidates will come and go, but my principles of oppression via government intrusion on freedom, immorality with the force of law, tolerance of every evil and perverted behavior, and forced conformance to state-approved conduct shall prevail. Trust me, I know human nature.
It will happen, my servants. But I will need your help. Please, oh please, do not let any more Daniel Websters win.