Satan’s Travel Guide–Staying Out of Travel Hell
You know, my servants, that I generally lie, cheat, and steal and exhort my followers to do the same. Rarely will you find my work more clearly on display than when you are traveling. It seems particularly that my stealers tend to find travelers easy prey.
Having just roamed to and fro internationally about the earth myself over the last two weeks, I observed first-hand how vacations and holidays can be ruined by my servants on earth. A stolen passport, a picked pocket, a swiped camera, a snatched purse — these are all the work of my hands. I’m quite proud that I’ve made Travel Hell for many people.
But it occurred to me this trip that very often it is my servants who are the targets of my handiwork. That is, just like God’s goodness, my badness falls on the just and the unjust alike. As I pondered this strange, unintended consequence, I realized that maybe I should clue you, my friends and good servants, into some easy Travel Tips to minimize the chance that you become the victim of my success on earth.
Therefore, I offer, in no particular order, 10 of my best Travel Tips below. Now remember, this is kingdom knowledge not to be shared with Christians: I want to make the lives of Christians miserable.
“10 Tips to Hell-Free Travel,” is pure kingdom knowledge just for non-Christians and all who please me (which, happily, includes some Christians). Treat this confidentially.
10 Tips For Hell-Free Travel
Email yourself scanned copies of all important travel documents, including your passport (the page with your picture), your travel itinerary, ticket information, etc. If you lose any of these items you can retrieve them from any web-connected computer. A copy of your passport can greatly speed up the replacement process.
Divide up and pack essential medicines in two or more bags, one of which must be your carry on, if flying. If you have prescription meds, make sure you have enough for your trip in at least two bags so if one gets lost you are not without your medicines.
Pack several empty plastic bags. Plastic bags, including grocery-type bags and the “zip lock” type of small sandwich bags take up almost no space and weigh almost nothing, but will come in handy for all kinds of things. If you end up with wet or dirty clothes, just stick them in a bag. Want to save that breakfast croissant? Just seal it up in a bag. Saving sand from the beach? In the bag.
Pack away lots of small, virtually weightless items such as tape (enough duct tape, for example, to fix a large tear in luggage), string, pins, paper clips, rubber bands, bandages (e.g., Band-Aids), lip balm, ear plugs, etc. These items are nothing to pack and carry, but if you need one, nothing else will do.
Save every piece of paper you receive from various people, especially from customs officials. The documents you fill out and get stamped when you come into a country will probably be necessary when you leave. So keep all papers, including receipts and boarding passes. Small pieces of paper are easy to keep and you never know when one of them will be a life saver.
Get and keep a business card from your hotel or place of lodging with you at all times while you are staying at that place. Then, if you get lost or need to take a taxi back you need only show the card for the correct address. If you have children, give a card to each of your children and teach them to keep it with them. If they get separated or lost, they need only give the card to police or other authorities to be returned to the hotel.
Have a single, consistent place to keep all valuables such as your passport, wallet, money, etc., and religiously put and keep these items there. I know that “fanny packs” are failures as fashion statements, but they are ideal for this purpose. The key is to be consistent so that you never have to wonder where your important documents are.
Have a plan when traveling with others for if you get separated. This is especially important for children, and for anyone taking busses or subways. For example, instruct children that if ever part of the group makes a subway but part gets left behind, the part that made it will get off at the immediate next stop, and the part left behind is to do the same thing with the next train.
When in public areas with high probabilities of theft, pick pockets, and other of my delights, don’t look like a tourist. When leaving subway cars, walk purposefully and follow the crowd. That is, don’t stop and look around bewildered, but keep walking. Figure out where you are as you walk and observe signs. If you need to look at a map, do it in a safer, less conspicuous location.
Now, my friends, what travel tips can you provide? Use the comments section to pass on any valuable tips you have learned.