2010 was a good year, my servants.
Of course, every year that I don’t end up in a permanent lake of fire is a good year for me. But my kingdom advanced admirably in 2010, with many events to shake any remaining confidence in a caring God, as well as many actions by my servants to confirm the inborn human hatred of that same God.
Again, it was a good year.
If only you could see the world from my perspective, my servants. You would have a much greater appreciation for the sheer havoc and grief I cause on planet earth. In 2010 I succeeded on most fronts with unprecedented numbers of lives destroyed, relationships severed, bodies broken, and societal ills multiplied.
But it was not all rosy news. I must admit to some defeats as I saw many of my captives rescued by my enemy, forever ripped from my destructive grip. I witnessed relationships restored, lives healed, and people set free from fear on earth. Much to my chagrin, the gospel continues to be preached and people continue to believe, despite my best efforts at marginalizing faith, ridiculing people of faith, and causing all manner of faith-mocking deviancy to be the new normal.
But enough! Let me give you a glimpse of my successes. All year long I watched as a human tide steadily and stubbornly walked along the wide path that leads straight to the bowels of my destruction. One at a time, but by the thousands each day, human souls fell headlong into eternity with me. Many feigned surprise, all are surprised at the abrupt intrusion of a reality they ridiculed on earth. We love to see their faces.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Make no mistake: I am well aware that many still tread the straight and narrow way, but in terms of raw numbers, 2010 continued the trend of ever more humans marching blindly into my eternal domain.
Most of those who “went with the flow” of a secularized, liberal society that believes it best to abide by the Humanist Manifesto’s tenet of “if it feels good (and doesn’t hurt anyone else) do it,” went happily through my gates. Others went suffering, after a life of strife and pain caused by ignoring God’s commands in favor of mine. Once they are here, however, all learn the terrible truth, but then, of course, it is too late.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
I worked to break up many thousands of marriages. Even though it can be routine, be sure, my servants, that I relish each divorce, each separation, and each annulment. I watch with great satisfaction as the one relationship God intended to be the most intimate turns into the most bitter of civil wars, with spouses leveling barrages of painful invective at one another of a kind and intensity they would never use against others. The bitterness, the resentment, the physical and mental abuse—well, it makes one’s heartless soul glad.
Over the last year I terrorized thousands of children in homes through the deception I thrust upon abusive fathers and negligent mothers. Each night we see hundreds of frightened children huddle in corners, hoping only to get through the long hours without again being the focus of threats, shouting, or worse, physical abuse. And I ensure most of my best work on children remains hidden from view.
I enjoyed watching young girls being abused to satisfy male lust. 2010 was a banner year for the sex trade business where I have influenced a flourishing economy based on the sale of young girls as sex slaves. My work happens right under the noses of those in “civilized” societies and no one even seems to care.
Along with the sex trafficking business I continue to inflict a hidden epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases upon the world. The numbers are staggering, and the cause so evident—it is sheer lunacy (also my doing) that no one seems able to stop the carnage. 2010 saw an unprecedented rise in STDs; I may struggle to beat my own numbers in 2011.
2010 saw great progress in sensitizing the world to my servants’ perversions, including homosexuality, same sex marriages, pornography, abortion and drug use. Homosexuality in particular is almost in a class of its own in terms of being legally sanctioned behavior. Not only is homosexuality marketed as being normal, it is encouraged more and more as being healthy, and mandated that all accept it as unquestioningly equal morally to heterosexuality. No longer is one allowed to love the sinner and hate the sin. One must love both the sin and the sinner, under penalty of law.
And with each of the above banner achievements—divorce, child negligence and abuse, sexual slavery, abuse, and disease, my greatest work is in the minds of men who are blinded to a reality of evil, and the remedy of good. I continue to preside over a world of relativistic mumbo-jumbo, in which politically correct verbiage masks, shields, and even guards evil, destructive human behavior.
So I have no doubt, my servants, that 2011 will be another year in which I run roughshod over the earth, pillaging the ignorant who are kept in their ignorance by those who suppress the truth.
Here’s a month-by-month summary of my greatest achievements in killing, stealing, and destroying on earth in 2010:
January: I decided to shake up things a bit in 2010, starting with a little January earthquake in Haiti. The misery and destruction I levied upon that already poor and confused nation was topped only by the poor and confused response of rescuers. I was able to oversee rioting and looting for many months, and continue to ravage Haitians, many of whom have cursed God for my handiwork. Well done, well done.
February: I continued my earth-shaking activities in February, sending another earthquake through the Maule Region of Chile, triggering a tsunami in the process. Death and destruction in a one-two punch put a smile on my face. And God got lots of blame. Big smile.
March: In March I achieved one of my greatest legislative victories, striking a blow at the free society of the United States. I smiled along with many of my best servants as President Obama signed into law a “health care” law that serves to not only diminish health and care in the United States, it drives a stake deep into the heart of freedom itself. My will on earth is accomplished best when freedom is stolen and truth is suppressed, both by people of good intentions. Do you know where the road paved with good intentions leads?
April: In April I had a little fun in the Gulf of Mexico, where I masterminded events that led to an offshore floating oil rig exploding. I hoped it would lead to great economic instability and environmental damage, but my full effect was limited and I was not permitted to wreak the full destruction I desired. Yet.
May: I tried in May to direct the world’s attention back to some of my best work by my best servants: terrorism carried out by radical Islamists. But not all my servants are too smart, and all too often my servants fail in their plots to deal out my death. An attempted bomb plot Faisal Shahzad was successful only in shutting down, not destroying, Times Square in New York City. Oh, well. Better luck next time. Which I am currently arranging.
June: I showcased my marriage-busting skills when in June Al and Tipper Gore announced through a family friend (not me) that Gore and his wife had separated. The two had been married 40 years. Hey, sometimes it takes a long time, but I get it done, my servants. I get it done.
July: Freedom is my enemy. A government that leaves its citizens free to arrange their own affairs, intervening only to protect private property in a fair and just system of laws, rarely governs people of my kingdom. It seems a free people is often a Godly people. Blechhh! That’s why in July I had to pat myself on my back to congratulate myself on one of my greatest achievements in stealing and destroying freedom: the so-called “health care law” signed by Barack Obama, president of the United States. And a double victory for me: most Americans don’t even realize their freedom was stolen out from under them. Ha ha ha ha ha.
August: Victory and temporary defeat in the United States kept my kingdom servants hopping. The scene was a court room, which is where most of my kingdom-advancing law is made. This time California’s Proposition 8 (which banned same sex unions) was struck down when a federal judge ruled it violated the federal constitutional rights of gays and lesbians to marry. Did you know that the United States Constitution gave rights for boyboys and girlgirls to marry? Ha ha ha ha ha. Who knew? Well, a silly appeals court judge nixed the lower court ruling, putting a hold on gay marriages. Oh well, don’t worry, I will overcome, my servants. In fact, you my laugh, but mark my words: Next the US Constitution is going to be found to protect the right for men to marry horses. It’s in there, my servants. It’s in there.
September: I really riled things up in August and September over the mosque to be built at New York’s Ground Zero. I do my best work when religions fight. I don’t even care that most (all but one) religions are false religions perpetrated by me, I just like a good fight. The fight continued when in September, an unknown preacher, Pastor Terry Jones, threatened to burn Qurans on the anniversary of the September 11th terror attacks. I did my best to influence Jones to carry out his plans, but my own political-correctness machine worked against me this time.
October: We in Hell had some good laughs this year during the United State’s election cycle. But my kingdom experienced a Catch-22 when in October candidate Christine O’Donnell announced that we was not a witch. Ha ha ha ha ha. Can you imagine? In a U.S. senatorial race one of the candidates defending herself against being a witch? But this was serious business for my kingdom operatives. We were caught between wanting to defend witches everywhere and the possibility that O’Donnell might win! O’Donnell winning would have been a blow to our kingdom (she doesn’t believe the words “separation of church and state” are engraved in the US Constitution), so we laid low and let the witch allegations stick. Sorry, witches. This time you had to take one for the kingdom team.
November: Bad, bad, voters. You voted against my kingdom purposes, and in the United States the Republicans won big. It will take many years of my kingdom operatives working on earth to undo this damage. But never fear (me), my servants. We will recover. We will overcome.
December: After a year of major floods (Pakistan), earthquakes (Haiti, Chile), sinkholes (in Guatemala), volcanoes (Iceland), and landslides (Caracas, Machu Picchu), recalls, unemployment, financial uprisings, oil spills, trapped coal miners, I suppose the least I could do is give the world a weather break in December. NOT! Ha ha ha ha ha.
See you next year.