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Allow Me to Introduce Myself…

Posted in Bible, Devil, Great Satan, Hell on May 26, 2012 by The Temptress

I am Temptress.

Mmmmm.

It feels wonderful to be here.

I am usually much more sneaky and quiet and behind the scenes, so this is unusual for me to make a more public appearance on my Master’s blog.

My name is Temptress.

And it is your privilege to learn more about me so that you can be on guard against those “believers in the true God” who fight against me in search of humility, acceptance of suffering, selflessness…. Ugh, nevermind… Typing those words hurts my long fingernails and you can go look up that stuff in that despicable book, the Bible (if you have the stomach for it.  I don’t.)

You see, I am a demon of beauty, influence, and power, and I offer you your heart’s desires on earth: the ones that will cause you to accidentally fall in luck with my Master so that you become his servant and ultimately live with us in hell.  I made my decision long ago, to follow that attractive “angel of light”, and it was only after he dragged me into the netherworld that I saw what was truly waiting for me.  My goal is to bring as many humans as possible down to hell to join us, and I have been quite successful. In fact, since we demons hate each other and are always competing, I may as well point out that I believe I am the MOST successssssful.

Well… ahem… outside of my Master himself.

The thing is, my little babes, I care for you.  I appear beautiful and even motherly to you.   I want you to gratify yourself, to find the greatest earthly pleasures, to take your mind off your pain in many creative ways (not prayer!!!)…

Let me ease your pain…

I am Temptress,

and I look forward to helping you.

130 Comments »

Post-Hell Christianity? Huh?

Posted in Bible, christians, Hell, progressives, theology with tags , on July 17, 2011 by devilbloggger

Expansive.

Hell in the news again, my servants.  And you just have to love the title of the latest article in my Huffington Post entitled, “Post Hell Christianity and Other Questions of the Afterlife.”  The Huffington Post article, written by Kim Lawton of Religion & Ethics NewsWeekly, asks us to imagine what happens after death.  Is there an afterlife?  Is there a heaven?  Who gets in?  And what happens to those who don’t.  But more importantly, M. Lawton reports on renewed discussion in Christian and so-called Christian circles on the very existence of Hell.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I love it.  Post-Hell Christianity?

Really?

How can that be?  There may be a post-Hell worldview, a post-Hell belief system, even a post-Hell religion, my friends. 

But it is categorically impossible to have a post-Hell Christianity. 

Come to think of it, why do people care?  Really, why are people who have no interest in pleasing God beyond accepting self-approved religious beliefs even concerned with Hell at all? 

In any event consider: How do we know anything at all about Heaven or Hell in the first place?

Huh?  Think, think, think.

Right!  There is only one reason that the concept of Heaven or Hell, much less the very words themselves, even exist in our language: the Bible.

The Bible, and particularly Jesus, were very clear on the existence of Hell, who it was created for (moi, merci), who else is going to populate it (peut-être vous, s’il vous plaît?), and what it is like (vous ne voulez pas savoir). 

And, although I don’t like to advertise for the competition, as well Jesus Christ was very explicit about how to get to Heaven.

So why the discussion? 

Well, my friend Bell has a view on Hell that he’s tried to sell causing others to yell in an effort to quell the rising swell of something that smells.

Go that?  Rob Bell’s, the name.  Robbing Hell’s the game.   You can read what I’ve written about Rob Bell here, here, and here. 

Here’s how Ms. Lawton sets up the current issue over Hell’s existence.  First she quotes some truth-bearing Godpunk named Mary Vanden Berg, an assistant professor of systematic theology at Calvin Seminary:

There is one sure way to know that you will spend eternal life with God, in the presence of God, and that is through faith in Jesus Christ.

But according to Ms. Lawton’s article: “Bell offers a more expansive view.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.  I like “expansive.”

Expansive means, “Well, yes, the Bible has something explicit to say about Hell, but I prefer to read in my own interpretation of more tangential sayings of Jesus Christ.”

Why?

Why not?  Hey, if truth can be changed merely by believing something different, why not?

Wait . . . hmmmm.

Whatever.  According to Ms. Lawton, “Bell points to Scriptures where Jesus says he is restoring all things and drawing all people to himself.”

In other words, Hell is not where unbelievers spend eternity, because Jesus restores everything to himself and draws all people to himself, which, I’m guessing Bell believes is in Heaven (it’s hard to tell, because Bell relies not on the whole of scripture for his worldview).

Hey, Bell, if that’s true, why preach any gospel at all? 

Hmmm?

Why?

You can get back to me on that one.  In the meantime, keep on preaching the love of Christ absent the judgment of Christ. 

And I will keep on welcoming the BellHellers with Hell’s bells.

But don’t call your preaching Christian.  Because it is not.  A gospel without a literal, imminent, eternal Hell is one of my clever perversions, one of my confusions, one of my deceits, in which people fail to understand the plain teaching of Jesus Christ.

The world may have entered a post-Hell era.  But it is not post-Hell Christianity.  It is merely post-Christian.

Period.

2 Comments »

The Devil is Dancing Tonight?

Posted in Hell with tags , on July 5, 2011 by devilbloggger

Murder.

It’s finally over, my friends.  For reasons lost on me it seems the entire world was captured by what is otherwise a daily occurrence: the murder of a baby.  Of course I’m talking about the Casey Anthony trial, which ended today with Casey Anthony being found not guilty of murdering her baby girl, Caylee. 

Why all the fuss?

Well, yes, it did happen that this baby was already born.  And this baby had a name.  These are technifications that seem to matter only to men and women; otherwise the facts are identical: an unwanted baby is killed for, among other reasons, the convenience of some already-born people.

That’s why, my servants, I found Casey’s circus trial amusing.  If Casey had merely killed Caylee before Caylee was big enough to require duct tape over her little open mouth, she would have been free as, well, as she is now!  But without all the fuss.

But do I care about Casey, Caylee, or anyone else?  No, of course not.  I bring all this up only because something one of my servants read earlier today caught my ear.

It seems Nancy Grace, speaking on CNNs Headline News about Casey’s not-guilty verdict had this to say:

But I know one thing: As the defense sits by and has their champagne toast after that not guilty verdict. Somewhere out there, the devil is dancing tonight.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

How right she is!  But the irony is that her statement is true every night!

You see, my servants, we in Hell are not so different in this respect than the angels in Heaven.  Those Heavenly angels of God rejoice over every sinner who repents.

Guess who the angels of Hell get to rejoice over?

Ha ha ha ha ha. 

We rejoice over every sinner who doesn’t repent.

Party!

You see, my servants, just like Casey Anthony, everyone on earth will be judged one day.  But unlike Casey Anthony’s case, everyone will be judged according to God’s righteousness by an all-knowing, holy judge. 

Everyone.

Unfortunately, some will be judged according to the righteousness of Christ.  Those to whom the righteousness of Christ is imputed by faith will stand in his righteousness on that day.  That’s why God’s angels rejoice when sinners enter sinless into God’s kingdom through repentance of sins on earth.

But those who appropriate the blood of Christ for the forgiveness of sins are relatively very, very few.  So fortunately, that leaves relatively many on the wide path to my kingdom.

Of course, we in Hell cannot rejoice until those who fail to obey God’s grace finally breathe their last unrepentified breath on earth.  But the wait is worth it, as the numbers are so high we experience almost continuous, raucous,  hellish rejoicing over each wide-eyed, disoriented soul who stumbles terrified through our gates.

So, yes, Nancy, I’m dancing tonight.  But it’s not because of Casey Anthony.

Yet.

3 Comments »

Southern Baptists: Hell is Real!

Posted in Bible, False religion, Hell, heresy with tags , , , , on June 20, 2011 by devilbloggger

Quote of the Day: Rob Bell is not the first to preach the Gospel Of Human Fairness, which goes by the theological name of “universalism.” Entire denominations are built around the idea that a loving God would never send anyone to Hell. . . . [I]f Rob Bell is right Jesus is either a liar or a lunatic.  — Rob Hell? Fortunately, no.

Wheeee!

Here we go again, my friends.  Hell is hot news today, with its really real realitiness seeming to hang in the balance of the opinion of men.  Question:  If everyone on earth believed a literal Hell did not exist, would the truth of Hell’s existence change?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

A prime vanity of human beings, my servants, is the propensity to believe that truth conforms to what one thinks about it.

Hey, did you know, my servants, that there is one thing, nay, two things on which Jesus and I are in perfect agreement?  First, we both believe that God exists and he is who he says he is.  And second, we both believe in a literal Hell, and it is what he says it is.

Why doesn’t everyone agree with Jesus and me?  Well, on the first point many people speak as fools, and on the second many fools speak as people.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!  Because at least I get to meet all the fools personally and thank them for their blind service to my kingdom.

But those Southern Baptists in the United States?  I have to do some work on them there backwoods Bible Thumpers.  It seems that those trouble makers held a convention last week and issued a resolution asserting their “belief in the biblical teaching on eternal, conscious punishment of the unregenerate in Hell.”

According to a TIME mag story reported by Yahoo news entitled, “Religious Rebuttal: Southern Baptists Resolve that Hell is Real,” we read that the Southern Baptists did their rebutting with a Resolution titled succinctly, “Don’t Believe in Hell? Well, Die and Learn.”

Well, it’s about time!  Finally someone is standing up for moi and my proud abode!  I was beginning to believe that even Christians would soon write me off as a mean myth or a meddlesome metaphor.

But now there are two places, at least, where the truth about Hell is confirmed: In the Southern Baptist’s resolution and in the Bible.

Maybe people will believe the Southern Baptists.  Who knows?

But why the perceived need by those Baptist ne’er-do-wells to publicly reiterate the Bible’s plain teaching?  Who butted in the first place that necessitated a rebuttal?

Look no further than the Resolution’s first “Whereas” clause:

WHEREAS, Rob Bell, in his 2011 book, Love Wins, has called into question the church’s historical teaching on the doctrine of eternal punishment of the unregenerate …

Ha ha ha ha ha.

That Rob Bell dude.  I like him.  I’ve written about him here, and here.   Apparently no-Hell-Bell has decided that Jesus’ clear message in the Bible has produced “theological rigidity” and, according to Bell, a “dangerous thing” in a “faith of exclusion.”

So Rob Bell wrote another book to supplant the Bible’s teachings, called Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived.  I blogged it here.

According to critics, in Love Wins Bell decided to rectify Jesus’ theological rigidity by preaching universalism, a theology that suggests everyone goes to Heaven and Hell is empty.

Winner, winner, chicken sinner!

Question: which is more dangerous, to tell someone they are headed for a cliff or to pretend the cliff doesn’t really exist?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Now, the good part, my servants.  Let me show you how poor thinking skills, faulty logic, and an untrained mind work to further my kingdom.  According to the TIME article, Bell defends his unorthodox teaching with the following jewel of my deception:

 When we get to what happens when we die, we don’t have any video footage. So let’s at least be honest that we are speculating, because we are.

Really, RobMyBelleButNotMyHell?  Really?

Tell me, My Belle, is there any video footage of Heaven?

No?

Then on what basis can you say anything about Heaven or Hell?  Isn’t it all speculation.  Why should we listen to your speculation about Heaven any more than we should listen to your speculation about Hell?

Shouldn’t we be looking for someone who knows, and who isn’t relying on speculation?  Perhaps one who created both Heaven and Hell?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

For Rob Bell, it’s all speculation. 

For Christians, it’s not.

Look!  Here comes another Love Wins reader!  Look at that face!

Wheeee!

10 Comments »

Progressives and the Reality of Hell: Dysfunctional Utopia

Posted in atheists, christians, Hell, progressives, Uncategorized with tags , on June 17, 2011 by devilbloggger

Quote of the Day: Love wins as each person facing eternity with me immediately becomes a true believer; my realm teems with irredeemable theists, like me.
– Rob Hell? Fortunately, no.

Progressives.

Political progressives are religious, too, you know.  Most are atheists, or practical atheists.  But many call themselves Christians, and some are Christians.  Do you know how to tell if they are “progressive” or not?  I’ll tell you: ask them if they believe in Hell.

A real, literal place called Hell.

A living progressive will answer “no” or lie and mumble something about “maybe”.

Of course, a dead progressive would tell you yes, if only he or she could.  My kingdom is full of regretful progressives.

As long as only you and I know this, my servants, all is well.  The fact that progressives, including Christians and those who call themselves Christians, don’t believe in Hell is a mixed blessing.  I must admit it hurts a bit that most people do not believe in Hell, and similarly, don’t believe in me.

This must be how God feels.  Or worse, because unlike me, God actually cares for each person who rejects belief in his existence.

But having people not believe in Hell ultimately works to my favor because this non-belief manifests itself in a lifestyle that furthers my will on earth.  The unbelieving progressive rarely harms my kingdom directly and never harms my kingdom indirectly by winning new souls to freedom in Christ. 

That’s why, my servants, I hate to read articles like the one in Crisis Magazine by Samuel Gregg entitled, Hell, Heaven, and Progressive Catholics.  Mr. Gregg shines the light of truth on the subject, and although he focuses on Catholic progressives, his analysis is equally valid for all Christians and those who call themselves Christians.

Noting the propensity of Catholics to embrace politically expedient but scripturally questionable political positions, Mr. Gregg correctly notes a reason:

Though it’s impolitic to say so, one such pressure may be the effective denial of the reality of hell that has become part of much contemporary Christian life.

Yikes!

If plain truth like that gets mainstream attention, my gig might end sooner than I hoped!

Yes, impolitic, but true, my servants.  Large swaths of so-called Christians (how could someone say they are a follower of Christ and deny Hell?) simply don’t believe in Hell anymore.  Hell is so last century.  Outdated.  Or, as Mr. Gregg recognizes, simply uncomfortable:

Hell is not a comfortable subject. The idea that we can, by virtue of one or more of our free choices, potentially separate ourselves eternally from God’s love is frightening.

And while this discomfort drives many people to ignore Hell in the belief that it then goes away, Mr. Gregg dangerously takes God’s side in the matter:

But the reality of hell and that it will be populated by those who fail to choose to repent of such choices (we don’t know the identity or number of such people, and pray and hope we won’t  be among them) is firmly attested to by Scripture and Tradition.

My servants, let me be plain with you.  I know you will keep this confidential.  Hell is populated by millions who failed to repent.  We’re full to the brim, with newcomers tumbling in every hour.

And as long as Christians fail to fully grasp the reality of Hell as an eternal destination for those who fail to yield to God’s grace on Earth, I’ll just have to keep finding more room for the daily arrivals.

But the real earthly benefit to my kingdom in progressive Hell-deniers is the transfer of faith from God to government.  As Gregg notes:

Pope Benedict illustrates how the disappearance of the hope of heaven meant people started putting their faith in science to create a totally new world: “a kingdom of man” rather than the kingdom of heaven. This, Benedict argues, explains much of the modern world’s dysfunctionality.

Dysfunctionality.  I like that.

And with respect to Catholics, Mr. Gregg notes:

When it comes to Catholics, hell’s disappearance and the ensuing trivialization of the hope of heaven has resulted in some effectively redefining their faith so that it becomes almost exclusively focused on various political agendas with utopian flavors (“end poverty forever”).

Utopian political agendas.  I like that, too.

Dysfunctionality and utopian political agendas go together like thunder and lightning: both originate in lofty turbulence and the former always follows the latter.  Sow utopian political agenda; reap dysfunctionality.

But if Christians ever do grasp the reality of Hell . . .

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

It will never happen.

1 Comment »

Everyone still here?

Posted in common sense, Hell, Truth with tags , on May 22, 2011 by devilbloggger

SITYS

As promised, my servants, I’m live blogging on May 22.  Nothing unusual on my end, just the regular busy processing of incoming souls into my eternal kingdom.  Thousands of them; about the normal number.  We got the usual suspects — perverts, those given over to shameful lusts including unnatural sexual relations, gossips, slanderers, God-haters (aka atheists), the insolent, the arrogant and boastful persons, those who invent ways of doing evil, those who disobey their parents, the senseless, the faithless, the heartless, the ruthless, and many who called themselves Christians. 

The regular crowd.

All of these knew that their behavior saddened God, and short of appropriating by faith God’s forgiveness, the word is sure: they will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven.

But everyone has an inheritance.

Later, my servants.  I will post on a particularly delightful new outburst of unnatural sexual relations among those who call themselves Christians.

Later.  Today.

Stay tuned.

PS: Let this be a lesson, my servants, on how easily many earthlings can be led astray into not only reasonable beliefs, but very unreasonable beliefs.  Everyone believes they have the truth, very few actually do.

2 Comments »

No Heaven? What about Hell?

Posted in atheism, atheists, False religion, Hell with tags on May 17, 2011 by devilbloggger

Gladly putting up with fools.

Stephen Hawking speaks.  And the world listens.  Why?  Because Stephen Hawking is a Smart Man who as a preeminent physicist has caught glimpses of God Himself, but foolishly chose to focus only on himself.

You can read Smart Man’s latest yourself in today’s UK Guardian in an article entitled, “Stephen Hawking: ‘There is no heaven; it’s a fairy story.’”

Everyone can go home now.  A Smart Man has spoken.  And I’ve conditioned most people to believe Smart Men of science.  In fact, the realm of materialistic science is the only place you will find Smart Men on earth.  And, in fact, earth is the only place you will see people beholden to materialistic science.  Everyone else in the universe knows better.

According to earthling materialistic scientist Hawking:

I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark.

I wonder how he knows this.  He didn’t say.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

But here’s my question for Mr. Hawking: why is he pontificating about Heaven?  Shouldn’t he be more concerned about Hell?

Well?

Heaven’s existence will be inconsequential for all those who, like Stephen Hawking, reject the existence of God.  But Hell?

Well!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I love the deluded foolish minds of those considered wise on earth.

Do you want to see people afraid of the dark, Mr. Hawking?  Wait until you see the desperate hopelessness of those terrified of a black darkness that even you can’t imagine.  Wait until darkness becomes your only friend, your only constant, the only adjective you will ever need in your vocabulary to describe your chosen existence.

Let me illustrate some more examples of the foolishness of Godless Smart Men.  The Guardian article continues:

In the interview, Hawking rejected the notion of life beyond death and emphasised the need to fulfil our potential on Earth by making good use of our lives.

Good use of our lives?  What is “good use” in the absence of Good?

In answer to a question on how we should live, he said, simply:

We should seek the greatest value of our action.

He said “simply” because it is the answer of a Godless simpleton.  What is the “greatest value” in the absence of a Greatest Value, Mr. Hawking?  Is it the value you deem greatest, or the value I deem greatest?

What if my greatest value is to rid the world of people in wheelchairs?  Is that the action I should seek?  If not, why not?

You see, my servants, how I have filled the earth with Smart Men who get listened to without anyone really hearing.  These men tickle the ears of their listeners, falsely confirm the wishes of many, and deceive the innocent often.  

Hearing what one wishes to hear is a human trait, fortunately.  Because there is one Voice on earth who speaks always, gets listened to some, but is rarely heard.

And the beat goes on.

6 Comments »

Unfortunately, Christopher Hitchens is blessed with a slowly imminent death

Posted in atheism, atheists, Hell with tags on May 9, 2011 by devilbloggger

Hitch.

You know, my servants, that I have a certain affinity for my bud Christopher Hitchens.  I’ve written about him here, here, here, and here.  Unlike most atheists I find my bud Hitch to be somewhat humble, thoughtful, extremely bright, insightful, and pleasant in overall demeanor.  But I worry that I may lose him.

You see, I don’t like most atheists.  By their very nature atheists are fools, and most, like Hitchens, are also asatanists, which really burns me up.  But unlike the current crop of arrogant blowhards like Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris, both of whom even I don’t want around, I’m actually looking forward to greeting Christopher Hitchens, surprised look and all.

I wish Hitch had, like most atheists do, died a sudden, unthinking death.  I find that long, lingering deaths give the person too much time to think seriously: there’s nothing like the noose and scaffold to focus the mind.

Everyone is dying slowly, and everyone is facing death, but few have the gift of knowing their death is slowly imminent.  And I lose almost all of those.  As they have nothing but a little time and a lot of reason to consider eternity looming just at hand, even atheists break at the last-minute and yield to reason just in time to call out to the one who made them.  Fortunately, usually no one else knows.

And I think I’m losing Hitch.  He would certainly have been mine but for his slow, lingering illness.  I fear that a mind as bright as his, an intellect as piercing as his, a heart as open as his is to truth, might actually yield to the truth shouting for his attention; yes, I fear for his soul.

Consider Hitch’s latest piece at Vanity Fair ironically entitled Unspoken Truths.  In it my bud Hitch poignantly details his slowly retreating voice, an instrument that he used mightily for my kingdom in the past.  This is just another physical loss that gives Hitch more reason to question who he really was, and is.

What has me worried is his quoting a verse that carries with it a Truth that is best left unspoken.  Speaking of CDs people send him in his illness, he notes one by Leonard Cohen:

So I have recently learned a song, entitled “If It Be Your Will.” It’s a tiny bit saccharine, but it’s beautifully rendered and it opens like this:

If it be your will,
That I speak no more:
And my voice be still,
As it was before …

I find it’s best not to listen to this late at night.

Why listen at all, my bud?  Why listen at all?  Do you, atheist of atheists, not realize the words of the King of Kings?

This verse mirrors the very prayer Jesus taught his disciples to pray: Your will on earth as it is in Heaven.  And Jesus himself modeled it when he asked that the cup of his suffering be taken from him, but, he said, “Yet not my will but thine be done.”

Hitch, my bud, I feel personally addressed by most of your erudite words, both written and spoken.  But in this latest piece, I feel personally affronted. 

My servants, you can help.  Please, it goes without saying, do NOT pray for Christopher Hitchens.   Right now, for example, do not close your eyes and mouth a silent prayer for his eternal soul. 

On top of that, send him a note to encourage him to stay strong in our faith, the faith that must be greater than a faith that believes in God.  Our faith must believe absurdities, like something appearing spontaneously from nothing, and the dead something spontaneously becoming a live something, and the live something necessarily wrestling with thoughts on another, greater Live Thing.  Absurdities take a great faith. 

Hitchens, my bud.  Keep our faith.   After all, it is my will.

5 Comments »

Osama bin Laden, day one.

Posted in Hell, Uncategorized with tags on May 3, 2011 by devilbloggger

Unbelievable.

This must be how God felt back when I marched up to usurp his authority.  Osama came strutting up like he’s someone, but, of course, he isn’t anymore, so he was soon flailing about and shouting that there must be some kind of mistake.  Then, like everyone else, he turned to bargaining and started looking around to see who’s in charge, just waiting to make his demands.  I just sat back and smiled, thinking this is going to be fun.   Who does this guy think he is? 

I tried to break the ice with this bad boy: “Hey, man, you winkin’ at me?”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

But ol’ Osama just looked around with that look I’ve seen a billion times, the look of shocked realization that says, “Uh oh, I think I just wasted my only life, didn’t I?”

I love it.  I waited silently as his eye rolled about the darkness wondering where all his friends were, and wondering suspiciously just who I might be.  This scene is played out daily down here.  Few people realize the sudden jaw-dropping, stomach-wrenching shock that awaits those who refuse to escape my clutches on earth. 

Some come in pride; some come in denial; some come in utter surprise; and still some come in complete expectation.  Osama came in surprised denial, instinctively looking for someone to shout at, order around, or otherwise cover for him.  But I saw the squint in his eye as he realized that he was suddenly and completely alone, separated from all that is good, which even by his standards is a terrifyingly paralyzing stretch of separation.

The best description I found for the dynamic we see played out here every day comes from a book written by Godpunk Randy Alcorn, entitled Safely Home:

One moment after men die, they know exactly how they should have lived. But then it is too late to go back and live their lives over again. Too late for the unbeliever, in the jaws of hell. But also too late for the believer, who cannot relive his life, remake his choices, this time following his King more faithfully.

And I got to watch Osama’s moment.

I get to watch a lot of moments.

In fact, I relish these moments because each one is another confirmation of just how well I deceived another image-bearing person into believing a false gospel, a false religion, or a false philosophy. 

But truth floods the eternally existing being of each new irredeemable theist who tumbles in my gates, a terrifying truth of a life wasted both on earth and in eternity.

Osama is just one more wasted nobody in Hell now.

Of course, I did enjoy telling him that we’re clean out of virgins down here.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

4 Comments »

Rob Hell? Fortunately, no.

Posted in False religion, Hell, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 16, 2011 by devilbloggger

Winner winner, chicken sinner.

You will find in Time magazine this week, my servants, a remarkably accurate article on a topic of great interest to me: Hell. Author Jon Meacham analyzes and questions the current theological understanding of mi casa in his article. The title is the only thing to which I object: Is Hell Dead?

Hey, Jon, is Time dead?

Hell was created for me and my demons, and according to Jesus Christ, it is the place of eternal punishment for a certain subset of earthlings as well.

How could Hell be dead?

Of course, Mr. Meacham is being somewhat provocative as he explores a current phenom in the evangelical Christian world: Pastor Rob Bell’s new book entitled, Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived.

Of course, I have long known about a book with the same title, but I always called it by its shortened name: The Bible.

Why another book on the same subject?

Because apparently, Bell has decided that the message of the first book produced “theological rigidity” and, according to Bell, a “dangerous thing” in a “faith of exclusion.”

You see, that first book, The Bible, teaches clearly from the mouth of Jesus Christ himself that a place called Hell exists, and that it is the eternal home of most people on earth.

Dangerous? Exclusionary? Rigid?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

My servants, let me impart some kingdom knowledge to you. Please keep this confidential. This is for your screen only. Do not forward this or copy it without my permission.

Here it is: God is sovereign. It pains me to say that, but the fact remains that God Is. And God plays by his own rules, as I so painfully found out. And God has given his rules in his Book, which may be confusing on some issues, but on the issue of Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived, the Bible is very, very clear.

I have the souls to prove it, my servants. They tumble in through my gates with surprised looks on their faces by the thousands every day. Love wins as each person facing eternity with me immediately becomes a true believer; my realm teems with irredeemable theists, like me.

It’s not fair, is it?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

You see, my servants, humans have rebelled against God’s righteous judgments from the beginning, shouting in their self-righteous human wisdom: THAT’S NOT FAIR, GOD!

Rob Bell is not the first to preach the Gospel Of Human Fairness, which goes by the theological name of “universalism.” Entire denominations are built around the idea that a loving God would never send anyone to Hell. Everyone makes it in. Everyone’s a winner.

And, of course, that’s fair. And loving. Why? Because Rob Bell says so in his second book to address the subject and correct the mistakes of the first.

That’s why.

Is Hell Dead?

Now I see why Mr. Meacham is asking. Because if Rob Bell is right, Hell as a theological construct is meaningless. Hell is no longer important or interesting.

Hell is dead.

As Mr. Meacham writes:

“Bell’s arguments about heaven and hell raise doubts about the core of the Evangelical worldview, changing the common understanding of salvation so much that Christianity becomes more of an ethical habit of mind than a faith based on divine revelation.”

R. Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, responds to Bell’s correcting Jesus:

“When you adopt universalism and erase the distinction between the church and the world,” says Mohler, “then you don’t need the church, and you don’t need Christ, and you don’t need the cross. This is the tragedy of nonjudgmental mainline liberalism, and it’s Rob Bell’s tragedy in this book too.”

It’s someone’s tragedy, for sure. Millions of people if Rob Bell is wrong; Jesus’ if Rob Bell is right.

Because if Rob Bell is right Jesus is either a liar or a lunatic.

If Rob Bell is right.

If.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Humans.

Do you know, my servants, that truth is not changed by what Humans think about it?

Hey, maybe Rob Bell can write a book explaining why I should not be in Hell?

Will you spring me, Rob? Can you? Can your authoritative sermonizing be extended to a Gospel of Truly Universal Fairness such that me and my demons can escape our divine judgment?

Why not?

Then how can you authoritatively preach a Gospel of Human Fairness?

That’s not fair.

Hey, but do I really care?

Not really.

Because at least Rob Bell won’t rob Hell.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

3 Comments »

Well Hell’s Bell

Posted in Hell, Truth with tags , , on March 25, 2011 by devilbloggger

Hell.  Bell.  Well?

Hell, thanks to author and hipster pastor Rob Bell, is in the news. Or rather the absence of hell—or its maybe-absence—or its maybe-temporary-reality. I stole that sentence (because that’s what I do) from an excellent article I don’t want you to read by David French, found at patheos.com, entitled, The Perfect Justice of Hell.  OK, go ahead and read it.

This Rob Bell dude is taking some hits for his views on Hell, among other things.  Many asked me to weigh in for obvious reasons, but I wanted to wait and let Christians and those who call themselves Christians bicker and fight a little longer. 

I find musings on Hell to be amusing.   Down here we delight in the fact that, as  Mr. French noted, many “progressive Christians” are embarrassed that most evangelicals still believe in Hell. 

So why all the fuss about hipster pastor Rob Bell?

It seems he wrote a book entitled, ““Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived.”  Of course, there already is a book about Heaven, Hell, and the fate of every person who ever lived.  What does Mr. Bell think he has to add to that one?

Much, apparently. 

According to CNNs Belief Blog,  critics contend Mr. Bell is ”playing fast and loose with heaven and hell, salvation and damnation.”  According to these critics Bell “was preaching universalism, a theology that suggests everyone goes to heaven and hell is empty.”

What does Bell have to say in his defense?  In the Belief Blog piece, said this about Hell:

“Greed, injustice, the sex trade in Far East Asia, we see hell all around us, whenever people reject what is good and human and right and peaceful and all that.”

And all that?

And he said this about people:

“I begin with this world right now and the observation that we are free to choose. It’s the nature of love. So then when you die, I would assume [given] the nature of love you can continue to make these types of choices.”

My servants, let me be frank.  I have not read Bell’s book, and I don’t know his heart; only God does.  But the two statements above show a fundamental misunderstanding of Hell. 

I’m not sure if I like that or not.  On the one horn, I’m a little prickly when it comes to acknowledging my abode; you might say I have some pride in that area.  On the other horn, however, I take much delight in people being led astray by falsehoods.  Such led-astrayers rarely cause trouble for my kingdom.

Let me do this, my servants.  Why don’t I tell you my most popular lies about Hell.  Then go read Rob Bell’s book and you decide for yourself if the hipster pastor is a hero or a heretic.

Lie:  Hell is not a real place.

Lie:  Hell is not a place of eternal conscious punishment for the wicked.

Lie:  Hell is not a place of unquenchable fire.

Lie:  There are no truly cursed, who will be commanded to depart into eternal fire, created for me and my angels.

Lie:  No one deserves Hell.

Lie:  Hell is “on earth” all around us.

Lie:  After death, deceased humans can continue to make moral choices, including to follow God.

That should get you started.  Each of these lies represents a statement opposite to the clear teachings of Jesus and/or the Bible.  So to the extent that Rob Bell teaches something different he is, indeed, a heretic of the Christian faith.

It pains me to do so, but I urge you to read Mr. French’s take on Bell’s position:

“Rob Bell’s is an old argument: there’s no such thing as true damnation, and indeed the very idea is cruel. Progressive Christians argue that it’s repellent to our generation, and it may very well be. But it’s repellent not because orthodox Christianity is wrong. It’s repellent because we are wrong. Our unwillingness to acknowledge Hell is a marker not of our love and compassion but of our sin, our self-justification, and our utterly false sense of self-worth.”

Rob Bell expounds on his “old argument’ quite clearly when he responds to the question Is Gandhi in Heaven?  According to Belief Blog:

Bell would not be surprised if he saw Gandhi in heaven. “Jesus was very clear. Heaven is full of surprises. That’s central to Jesus teaching.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

My servants, listen to Mr. Bell. 

Because Hell has a few surprises of its own.

1 Comment »

Who is in Hell?

Posted in Devil, Hell with tags on March 18, 2011 by devilbloggger

Cursed.

Do you know what it means to be cursed, my servants?  A cursed earthling, unless he or she responds to the remedy to remove the curse, is one who is (and forever will be) exiled from God’s kingdom. When on earth we call these people unregenerate sinners.  Once they arrive here we call them irredeemable theists.  But they all end up in one place eventually, a place created for me and my demons.

Would an earthling have the naiveté to ask, then, who is in Hell?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Yes, my servants, a great display of human pretense that sets itself up against the knowledge of God (and me) can be seen in today’s UK Guardian.  In a column by one steeped in earthly wisdom to suit her desires, the lead line asks: Who is in hell?

This puffed up earthling, who goes by the name of Roz Kaveney believes the claim that eternal punishment in hell is necessary to make this a just universe is illogical and incoherent.  Believing herself to be like God in matters of justice, she even decides that eternal punishment is so un-Godlike that the only ethical thing to do is rebel eternally:

“The concept of eternal punishment is so abhorrent that, were it true, the only ethical choice would be to sin one’s way into hell in order to work there for the overthrow of heaven’s tyranny, and be on strike against God eternally.”

Now, my servants, gather around.  Let me give you a wisdom clue: trying to overthrow heaven’s tyranny is a fool’s errand.  And the only beings who ever believed rebellion against God to be a good idea are me and those who follow me, whether they be atheist fools or theistic demons. 

Ha ha ha ha ha.

You see, Ms. Kaveney, what your human wisdom is missing is that you, even in your wisest are but a mere arrogant human.  And God is neither arrogant nor human.  You can conceptualize ethical necessities to suit your fancy all you want, but it moves God not one whit.  He remains God, and you remain human.

And let me tell you from experience: God rules.

If you had true wisdom, Ms. Kaveney, you would realize that you need not “sin your way into hell;” you are already on your way to hell.  Hell is the default destination for human beings, every one.  For all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory.  And the opposite of God’s glory is God’s absence, which is Hell.  Your default sin condition leading to eternal absence from God was settled by me as the one responsible for tempting the first earthlings to overthrow heaven’s tyranny.

So go ahead, Ms. Kaveney, bite on my apple.  After all, you already believe yourself to be like God in matters of justice.

But be warned, Hell is already full of people like you who believed it to be a party house of protests against God.  And having one more on the grievance committee is not likely to gain success in overthrowing heaven’s tyranny. 

I’m just sayin’.

Go ahead, sputter and spit, rant and rave, tell God how he should run his universe.  It pleases me greatly, and you do my will.

But Ms. Kaveney, you never did answer your own question: who is in hell?

Here’s what Jesus said: the cursed, those commanded to depart from him, are here, in the everlasting fire he prepared for me and my angels.

Of course, you know more than Jesus, Ms. Kaveney.

So, Ms. Kaveney, tell us, just who is going to be in hell?

5 Comments »

Hell? Yes!

Posted in Hell with tags on March 9, 2011 by devilbloggger

Hell.

I’m not sure if I’m happier with people believing Hell does not exist or believing it does.  On the one hand I want some respect: hey, if I exist, I exist somewhere.  But then again, I kind of like the way many Christians have watered down the concept of Hell; the less people really know, the more likely they are to meet me here, where everyone believes in Hell.

But this I know: I like calling the shots.  I want to be the one deceiving people, holding back the truth, and blinding eyes.  I want to take as many captive to my will on earth as possible.

That’s why, my servants, I must object to an article I read in First Things today.  Written by Joe Carter and entitled, “Yes, Evangelicals, There Really Is a Hell,” the article pretty much outs my lies and confirms the truth of Hell.  Blechhh!

First, Mr. Carter recognizes that modern Christians have “refined” diluting the doctrine of Hell “into a fine art.”    That wasn’t so bad; everyone knows that.

But Mr. Carter goes on to really hit me below the belt by characterizing modern, hip, pseudo-Christian (my term) teaching on Hell as “gooey New Age-ish mush that is creeping into our tradition.”  Yikes!  Then Mr. Carter goes on to spill my kingdom secret that new, hip Christians who go wobbly on the doctrine of Hell end up implicitly or explicitly teaching the “loving” doctrines of universalism, inclusivism, postmortem evangelism, conditional immortality, and annihilationism.

Well, yes. 

But Mr. Carter fails to pin the blame correctly.  Just why are people so willingly flocking to do my will?

Because of me, my servants.  I have successfully made Hell an embarrassment to Christians.  After all, how could a lovey-dovey God condone such a place?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Unfortunately, as Mr. Carter notes, there are still some “stodgy old evangelicals,” like Albert Mohler, who make my life miserable.  For one, Mohler spotted my lie that a Christianity without Hell is still Christianity.  He writes:

“A secular worldview that denies supernatural revelation must reject Christianity as a system and truth-claim. At the same time, it seeks to transform all religious truth-claims into matters of personal choice and opinion. Christianity, stripped of its offensive theology, is reduced to one “spirituality” among others.”

I delight in Christianity stripped of offensive theology. 

And Mohler continues:

“All the same, there are particular doctrines that are especially odious and repulsive to the modern and postmodern mind. The traditional doctrine of hell as a place of everlasting punishment bears that scandal in a particular way. The doctrine is offensive to modern sensibilities and an embarrassment to many who consider themselves to be Christians. Those Friedrich Schleiermacher called the “cultured despisers of religion” especially despise the doctrine of hell. As one observer has quipped, hell must be air-conditioned.”

Let me see if he got all my lies about Hell:

  • Especially odious and repulsive to the modern and postmodern mind?  Check.
  • Offensive to modern sensibilities?  Check.
  • Embarrassment to many who consider themselves to be Christians?  Check.
  • Culturally despised?  Check.
  • Air-conditioned? 

Ha ha ha ha ha.

2 Comments »

Hell’s (true) Angels

Posted in Hell, religion with tags , on October 28, 2010 by devilbloggger

Know what happens if you mess with the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club?

I mean, really mess with them, like make jewelry that looks like their trademarked “death head” emblem.  Know what they do? 

They will sue you. 

That’s right.  As the Los Angeles Times reported yesterday in an article entitled, “Hells Angels file suit against Alexander McQueen,” the Hells Angels got upset with the designer fashion label Alexander McQueen, and decided to get even by suing them:

In decades past, the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club settled disputes the old-fashioned way, with a swift kick in the groin or a punch in the face to the offending party. On Monday, the outlaw club opted for a more civilized action.

Now I got no real beef with the Hells Angels.  Any group with a web link to the Big House Crew is all right in my book.  But I don’t think I’m all right in theirs!  These bad boys completely misunderstand their namesake.  It’s right in their FAQs:

Q:  Isn’t the apostrophe missing in Hells Angels ?

A:  Should the Hells in Hells Angels have an apostrophe, and be Hell’s Angels? That would be true if there was only one Hell, but life & history has taught us that there are many versions and forms of Hell.

Excuse me?  You bad biker boys are talking about the biggest, baddest boy and his angels.  You see, Hell, the one and only, was created for me and my angels.   We are the real thing, the original Hell’s Angels (apostrophe and all!) and we are in the Ultimate Big House with no parole. 

“Life and history” may have taught something, but it taught you wrong if you think there are many versions and forms of Hell.  For the rest of you, my servants, I urge you not to get your theology from biker clubs.

Hell, there’s one, and it’s mine.

And you know what I do to mess with people?  I use them.  I lead them astray, I hide as a wolf in sheep’s clothing, I come as an angel of light, I cause men to wander from the truth, I take them captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world.

And I can tell you right now Biker Bob and Sidekick Suzy–you don’t want to come here.  Ha ha ha ha ha.  You think you are tough? You don’t know what tough is.  You just wait until you see some real Hell’s Angels and some real death heads knocking about without any regard to who you are (or were).  You wait till you see evil personified in a blackness that will drive you mad, with regret-filled days of anguish and gnashing of teeth.  Ha ha ha ha ha.  An eternity of lonely torment that is entirely avoidable (until it is too late).

You don’t believe me, do you?

No one does!  I tell  the truth and no one believes me.  Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hells Angels sue people to make them go away.

Hell’s Angels use people to make them come to stay.

Vrooooom!  Ha ha ha ha ha.

1 Comment »

Hitch is hangin’ strong

Posted in Hell, religion, Uncategorized with tags , on October 21, 2010 by devilbloggger

Oh how I long for mine to make it safely home.

And the time is nearing for one of my favorite servants, fervent atheist and author Christopher Hitchens.  He has influenced many for my kingdom, he is a true and faithful servant of mine.  And he is hanging strong.  His fortitude and obstinacy is a double whammy: he rejects God even as I mercilessly ravage his body to death.  Ha ha ha ha ha.

And what are my prospects for success?  As the Washington Post reports in an article entitled, “Christopher Hitchens: A humanist at heart,” Hitchens “has a special disdain for deathbed religious conversions.”

So do I.

And as I reported earlier, this is a time for my servants to hope for the worst.  Hitch is almost home.

Whatever you do, don’t pray for Hitch.  For reasons I cannot fathom, a lot of people are praying, and I wish they would stop.  I’m talking powerful, fervent prayers on his behalf!  Prayer is powerful, and can even result in the most flaming of atheists being ripped from my clutches.  I have worked too hard for too long for my buddy Hitchens to escape from my greedy grasp now. 

So please, if you know someone who prays, tell them to stop.

Hang in there, Hitch.  I’m doing all I can to battle the prayers for your soul.  You must continue to do your part in resisting the tug of a foreign love. 

Please, Hitch, do it for me.  I’ll leave the fires burning for you.

2 Comments »

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