Archive for the heresy Category

What Do Jehovah’s Witnesses Witness?

Posted in Bible, christians, False religion, heresy, religion, Truth with tags , on November 16, 2011 by devilbloggger

Witness.

I hate those who witness to the glory and the resurrection of the true Jesus Christ as taught in the Bible and held by orthodox Christians.  “Witnessing” leads to conviction, which leads to faith, which leads to salvation, which leads to repentance, which leads to more witnessing.  Blechhhh!

Christians witness rarely, but when they do, all hell breaks loose.

Literally.

I hate that kind of witness.

But what about Jehovah’s Witnesses, or “JW’s” as they are called?  It seems like I would hate them too, right?

Don’t I hate Jehovah?   And don’t they witness for Jehovah?

Yes, and, well, no.  Not really.

I suppose there is a harmless way in which Jehovah’s Witnesses draw attention to God in a way that would normally irk me.  But the bottom line is that they are not robbing my kingdom of souls.

And for that, I’m thankful in a strange sort of way.

Do you know why Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t rob my kingdom of souls, my servants?

You should.

If you are a student of mine, you should know by now the tell-tale sign of all false religions, cults, philosophies, and the like.  I told you most recently in two-part series on Mormonism Part I and Part II.

Do you remember?

Right!  Very good!  As I’ve said before:

One question matters to God and me: Who do you say that Jesus is?

There is one right answer to that question, and many, many wrong answers.

This issue was addressed by Gabrielle Devenish at the Christian Post today, my friends, in an article entitled, “Cults in Culture: Jehovah’s Witnesses and End Times“.  And to my dismay, she got it right.  (I prefer that right notions of Christ and Christianity be confined to THIS blog, so that I can control who reads it, and the actions taken).

Ms. Devenish quotes many of my enemies to make her point that, like Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses have a different Jesus.  For example, she quotes Charlie Campbell, director of The Always Be Ready Apologetics Ministry, on his apologetics site as listing three areas where Jehovah’s Witnesses deny Christian teachings: hell, the doctrine of the Trinity and the deity of Jesus Christ.

No Hell?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Now that does have an impact on my kingdom, a positive impact – 91% of the people here didn’t believe in Hell, either.  Now Hell is 100% full of Hell-believing theists!

But the real giveaway as to the Jehovah’s Witnesses lack of any negative impact on my kingdom is in their denial of the Trinity and the deity of Christ, which are interconnected necessary doctrines of orthodox Christianity (the only kind there is, actually).

Ms. Devenish supports the Christian view with quotes Christian leader after Christian leader, including Ric Walston of Columbia Theological Seminary, who considers the Watchtower Society (another name for Jehovah’s Witnesses) a cult.

But what really worries me is Walston’s true views on JW’s.  Read this and weep for me:

The first thing I think that Christians should keep in mind when approaching a JW – or anyone outside of the Christian faith – is that Jesus died to save sinners, and these folks need Jesus as much as anyone. Our goal should be to reach members of the cults with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Evangelism, not conquest, should be our aim’

Now do you see why I hate true Christian witnesses?

Somebody get me an aspirin.

7 Comments »

Satan Answers Mr. Keller’s Tough Questions.

Posted in atheism, atheists, Bible, Darwin, Darwinism, evangelisim, evolution, False religion, God, heresy, homosexuality, liberals, political correctness, prayer, public schools, secular humanism, secularism, separation of church and state, Truth, worldview with tags , , , on August 25, 2011 by devilbloggger

Oh yeah.

My my my.  Sometimes one of mine outdoes himself in his blind hatred of all things God (true God, that is).  Sometimes this servant of mine has a loud voice that gets heard by many, convinces a few, and pleases one. My my my.

When I saw Bill Keller’s article  in today’s New York Times entitled, “Asking Candidates Tougher Questions About Faith,” I must admit I was worried.  I thought it might be an exposé focusing on the atheistic faith of some politicians, the anti-Christian faith of others, or the general degradation of all things moral and upright by almost every politician.

But I suppose I should have known better.  After all, this showed up in my paper of record.  And it didn’t disappoint.

Yes, Mr. Keller dumped not on “faith” in general, a necessary element of anyone’s political worldview, but only on sincere God faith of the type expressed by George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Ronald Reagan.

I’m with Mr. Keller on this one, my friends.  There is nothing worse for my kingdom than a politician who has a sincere belief in God, and nothing better for my kingdom than a politician who has a professed, but clearly non-existent faith in God.

You will notice Mr. Keller has no problem with Mr. Obama’s faith.

Neither do I.

But consider the faith of Mitt Romney, Michele Bachmann, or horror of horrors Rick Perry, and Mr. Keller begins asking the baited question, “Does it matter?”

Matter?

For what?  For an ordered society where people can live freely in relative peace like they used to do when God was not banished from public discourse?

Yes, I suppose it does matter.

And to press his point, Mr. Keller sent a questionairre to suspect candidates to find out where they stand on questions he believes important.  The entire questionnaire can be found on The 6th Floor blog.  Just for fun, I have given my answers to his questions below.

Enjoy. 

1. Is it fair to question presidential candidates about details of their faith?

My answer:  Yes, of course.  Everyone has faith in something or someone, and the public has a right to know what or who is the object of one’s ultimate faith.  Obviously, it is that “something” or “someone” which/who will ultimately drive a politician’s policy choices.  I just hope that atheists, and practical atheists like most Democrats in the US don’t get questioned on this point.

2. Is it fair to question candidates about controversial remarks made by their pastors, mentors, close associates or thinkers whose books they recommend?

My answer: Yes, it is fair.  But the emphasis should always remain on “pastors” and not “thinkers” like Karl Marx,  Bill Ayers and others who espouse destructive ideas that I’ve miraculously made standard thought among the political elite, as well as the faculty of most college campuses.

3. (a) Do you agree with those religious leaders who say that America is a “Christian nation” or “Judeo-Christian nation?” (b) What does that mean in  practice?

My answer:  No. America used to be a Christian nation.  Of course it is not now.  In practice a Christian nation would not kill millions of babies for convenience, celebrate homosexuality as normal, or trash Biblical sexual morality (all three are intimately related).  A Christian nation would not ban Christmas displays, censor Christmas carols in public schools, fire teachers for reading Bibles at work, object to crosses in public places (whether inadvertent or purposeful), freak out over after-school bible studies, go spastic over graduation prayers, kow tow to imprisoned terrorists on religious grounds, sue every person for every Christian utterance made in public, or … well, you get the idea.

4. If you encounter a conflict between your faith and the Constitution and laws of the United States, how would you resolve it? Has that happened, in your experience?

My answer: I encounter conflicts all the time.  The Constitution was written based on an implicit faith in the God of the Bible–an obvious conflict for my purposes.  Fortunately, I resolve it by convincing many people that the Constitution is “living” and subject to change based on prevailing morals by consensus.  Does it seem like the time is right to make abortion a Constitutional right?  Then, by God moi, I make sure someone finds that right buried in that dadgum thing somewhere. 

5. (a) Would you have any hesitation about appointing a Muslim to the federal bench? (b) What about an atheist?

My answer: Moi?  Ha ha ha ha ha.  Of course not. 

6. Are Mormons Christians, in your view? Should the fact that Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are Mormons influence how we think of them as candidates?

My answer: No.  But Mormons can be just as damaging to my kingdom.  I hate Mormons almost as much as I hate Christians.

7. What do you think of  the evangelical Christian movement known as Dominionism and the idea that Christians, and only Christians, should hold dominion over the secular institutions of the earth?

My answer:  Frankly, that idea scares the . . . well, the . . . the heck out of me.  Fortunately, it will never happen, but I can use the notion to prey upon fears, just as I’ve done with Mr. Keller.  Question: Would Mr. Keller care if “Dominionism” was the idea that atheists, and only atheists, should hold dominion over “secular” institutions of the earth.  Why not?

8. (a) What is your attitude toward the theory of evolution? (b) Do you believe it should be taught in public schools?

My answer:  I LOVE the theory of evolution.  This theory has done more to advance my kingdom than any other in the history of the world.  Of course it should be taught in public schools, but not as Darwin presented it, a tentative scientific theory, but as dogmatic fact immune from criticism.  Darwin, a true scientist, included many reasonable scientific objections to his theory of descent with modification in his book Origin of Species.  I would not want students to know these objections, all of which continue as refutations to Darwin’s theory today.  One of my greatest lies on earth is that Darwinism is ironclad science and anyone who questions it is naïve at best, and evil at worst.  (Consider: Darwin’s own book, half of which contains scientific criticism of his theory, could not be taught in public schools today!  The criticisms are just as valid today, but they are not allowed to be taught. Darwin would likely abandon his theory based on them.)

9. Do you believe it is proper for teachers to lead students in prayer in public schools?

My answer:  Are you serious?  Of course not.  Unless, of course, the prayers are to an ungodly toy deity.

There you have it, my servants. 

I wonder how my answers would stack up against the politicians Mr. Keller opposes?

I wonder how my answers would stack up against the politicians Mr. Keller endorses?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

5 Comments »

Dutch treat; the dikes are broken.

Posted in evangelisim, False religion, gospel, heresy, multiculturalism, political correctness, religion, secularism, theology, toleration, Truth with tags , on August 9, 2011 by devilbloggger

De cirkel is rond.

Well, I needed some good news.  No, not that Good News, my servants, but my kind of good news.  And I got it today.  I’ll tell you what it is in a moment.  But first a quiz: Do you know where the American Pilgrims–those Godpunks who in 1617 landed at Plymouth Rock in the New World–came from?

Think.

No, not England.

Right!  Holland!  Yes, those grim Pilgrims indeed started in Grimsby, Lincolnshire, but eventually found refuge in Amsterdam, the Dutch being early adopters of religious freedom.

But by 1617 the struggling group decided to pack it up and ditch Holland not for old England but for New England.

And the rest is history, as they say.

Unless . . . well, yes, it appears the rest might be not history, but mystory after all!

Why do I say this?  Well, the BBC reported the most wonderful news today in an article entitled, “Dutch rethink Christianity for a doubtful world.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey, Dutch Boy, it was always a doubtful world.  Don’t act like the world has changed.  It is you who has changed, and I’m the one who changed you.

For one, you believed my lies about the Bible, and stopped believing it was the word of God.  How do I know?  Well, consider some unbelievably heretical quotes from the BBC’s article. For starters, consider a dude named Mr. Hendrikse who dresses like a cleric and ”presides” over a little “church” in central Holland.  But rather than preach from the Bible, Mr. Heretikse preaches the wisdom of man, saying:

Make the most of life on earth, because it will probably be the only one you get.

How, you ask, could any clergy blurt any such claptrap?  It’s easy when the “clergy” have abandoned truth for my lies.  Mr. Hendrikse?  He doesn’t even believe “that God exists at all as a supernatural thing.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey, Mr. Hendrikse, why do you bother?

Really, why do you bother to wake up in the morning?  If you are right, then all is futile.  You are nothing more than an odd conglomeration of matter.  Why should any other conglomeration of matter listen to you?

But Mr. Hendrikse does wake up, my servants and he does speak, and others do listen.  And they listen to him spout stupid thoughts.  How do I know?  Because he wrote a book with a stupid title: “Believing in a Non-Existent God.”

And apparently he’s surrounded by hopelessly confused, lazy, stupid thinkers as well.  When some “more traditionalist Christians” objected to his heresy,

. . . a special church meeting decided his views were too widely shared among church thinkers for him to be singled out.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey, never mind that I’ve won as soon as groups who don’t believe in God can be classified as “Christians,” just not the “more traditional” type.  Never mind that I’ve won as soon as a “meeting” can “decide” right doctrine based on the number of people believing it.  Never mind it all, my servants, just know that I’m winning on all fronts in Holland; someone let their finger out of the dike.

I’m winning, folks.

Orthodoxy by popularity.  I love it.

Hey, if enough people believe a lie, is it still a lie?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

According to some lie-believer named Wim De Jong, Mr. Heretikse’s beliefs are okey dokey because:

Here you can believe what you want to think for yourself, what you really feel and believe is true.

Yes, and if you really feel it enough and believe it enough, it magically becomes true, right?

Hey, Mr. Lie-Belcher, if God does exist, does he cease to exist because Mr. Wimsy De Jong really feels he doesn’t exist?

Oh, I love to see my servants’ illogical, darkened thinking.  It is really a badge of honor for me, and a stinging indictment of all true Christians in Holland.

The “churches” in Holland are “experimenting with the contents of the gospel” according to the BBC article because “traditional Christianity places God in too restricted a box.”  And by getting God out of his “box” the “churches” in Amsterdam believe they will attract more people.

And, I must admit, I hope they do!

I never thought I would say that about the Dutch.

And the beat goes on.

3 Comments »

Southern Baptists: Hell is Real!

Posted in Bible, False religion, Hell, heresy with tags , , , , on June 20, 2011 by devilbloggger

Quote of the Day: Rob Bell is not the first to preach the Gospel Of Human Fairness, which goes by the theological name of “universalism.” Entire denominations are built around the idea that a loving God would never send anyone to Hell. . . . [I]f Rob Bell is right Jesus is either a liar or a lunatic.  — Rob Hell? Fortunately, no.

Wheeee!

Here we go again, my friends.  Hell is hot news today, with its really real realitiness seeming to hang in the balance of the opinion of men.  Question:  If everyone on earth believed a literal Hell did not exist, would the truth of Hell’s existence change?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

A prime vanity of human beings, my servants, is the propensity to believe that truth conforms to what one thinks about it.

Hey, did you know, my servants, that there is one thing, nay, two things on which Jesus and I are in perfect agreement?  First, we both believe that God exists and he is who he says he is.  And second, we both believe in a literal Hell, and it is what he says it is.

Why doesn’t everyone agree with Jesus and me?  Well, on the first point many people speak as fools, and on the second many fools speak as people.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!  Because at least I get to meet all the fools personally and thank them for their blind service to my kingdom.

But those Southern Baptists in the United States?  I have to do some work on them there backwoods Bible Thumpers.  It seems that those trouble makers held a convention last week and issued a resolution asserting their “belief in the biblical teaching on eternal, conscious punishment of the unregenerate in Hell.”

According to a TIME mag story reported by Yahoo news entitled, “Religious Rebuttal: Southern Baptists Resolve that Hell is Real,” we read that the Southern Baptists did their rebutting with a Resolution titled succinctly, “Don’t Believe in Hell? Well, Die and Learn.”

Well, it’s about time!  Finally someone is standing up for moi and my proud abode!  I was beginning to believe that even Christians would soon write me off as a mean myth or a meddlesome metaphor.

But now there are two places, at least, where the truth about Hell is confirmed: In the Southern Baptist’s resolution and in the Bible.

Maybe people will believe the Southern Baptists.  Who knows?

But why the perceived need by those Baptist ne’er-do-wells to publicly reiterate the Bible’s plain teaching?  Who butted in the first place that necessitated a rebuttal?

Look no further than the Resolution’s first “Whereas” clause:

WHEREAS, Rob Bell, in his 2011 book, Love Wins, has called into question the church’s historical teaching on the doctrine of eternal punishment of the unregenerate …

Ha ha ha ha ha.

That Rob Bell dude.  I like him.  I’ve written about him here, and here.   Apparently no-Hell-Bell has decided that Jesus’ clear message in the Bible has produced “theological rigidity” and, according to Bell, a “dangerous thing” in a “faith of exclusion.”

So Rob Bell wrote another book to supplant the Bible’s teachings, called Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived.  I blogged it here.

According to critics, in Love Wins Bell decided to rectify Jesus’ theological rigidity by preaching universalism, a theology that suggests everyone goes to Heaven and Hell is empty.

Winner, winner, chicken sinner!

Question: which is more dangerous, to tell someone they are headed for a cliff or to pretend the cliff doesn’t really exist?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Now, the good part, my servants.  Let me show you how poor thinking skills, faulty logic, and an untrained mind work to further my kingdom.  According to the TIME article, Bell defends his unorthodox teaching with the following jewel of my deception:

 When we get to what happens when we die, we don’t have any video footage. So let’s at least be honest that we are speculating, because we are.

Really, RobMyBelleButNotMyHell?  Really?

Tell me, My Belle, is there any video footage of Heaven?

No?

Then on what basis can you say anything about Heaven or Hell?  Isn’t it all speculation.  Why should we listen to your speculation about Heaven any more than we should listen to your speculation about Hell?

Shouldn’t we be looking for someone who knows, and who isn’t relying on speculation?  Perhaps one who created both Heaven and Hell?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

For Rob Bell, it’s all speculation. 

For Christians, it’s not.

Look!  Here comes another Love Wins reader!  Look at that face!

Wheeee!

10 Comments »

Of course God is not a Christian

Posted in atheism, christians, False religion, heresy, Morality, political correctness, religion with tags , , , on June 2, 2011 by devilbloggger

Exclusivity.

No one likes exclusivity, it seems, except for everyone.  Know what I mean?  Everyone hates it when others make exclusive truth claims, unless they happen to agree with the claimers.  Then it’s OK.

And here’s a secret, my friends: everyone makes absolute truth claims.    Atheists do it.  Agnostics do it.  Everyone does it.

But, you say, there is no absolute truth!

Ahem . . . is that an absolute truth claim?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

You see, my servants?

The fact is that truth is by definition exclusive.  Truth requires falsity.  And when it comes to claims on conscience, belief, or behavior, some claims stem from truth, and some from falsity.

To deny this is to deny everything.

Which is why, my servants, I delight in “all paths lead to God” mumbo-jumbo, especially when it comes from the mouth of a Nobel Prize winner via the ever-reliable Huffington Post.  Today’s piece by Desmond Tutu is entitled, “God is Not a Christian.”

Duh!  This is really a stupid title. 

Of course God is not a Christian.  Only a spiritually mental midget would even entertain such a thought for a moment.   God, as the Father and as the God Man Jesus and as the Holy Spirit, is the object of Christian’s faith.  Christians, by definition, are those who exercise the gift of faith in Jesus Christ as their personal savior. 

God, by definition, can not be a Christian.

Anyone knows this.

So what is Desmond Tutu’s point?  You have already sniffed it out, I’m sure.  Mr. Tutu is advancing my lie that Christianity is not the only path to God, and, by extension, Heaven.

Observing that most people’s faith is the result of “accidents of birth and geography,” Mr. Tutu swallows my lie completely by advancing directly from “accidents” to the conclusion:

. . . perhaps that we should not succumb too easily to the temptation to exclusiveness and dogmatic claims to a monopoly of the truth of our particular faith.

Really? Is succumbing to this temptation a sin, Mr. Tutu?  Because if so, Jesus is a sinner.  Because Jesus, Mr. Tutu, made egregious dogmatic claims to a monopoly of the truth and a particular faith.

I must say, however, that I like the concept of casting Jesus as a sinner for succumbing to such a temptation. 

Mr. Tutu continues in his effort at erasing boundary lines of truth and falsity.  Attempting to make all truth claims true by virtue of their sincere adherents, Mr. Tutu pleases me by saying:

Surely we can rejoice that the eternal word, the Logos of God, enlightens everyone — not just Christians, but everyone who comes into the world; that what we call the Spirit of God is not a Christian preserve, for the Spirit of God existed long before there were Christians, inspiring and nurturing women and men in the ways of holiness, bringing them to fruition, bringing to fruition what was best in all.

But God doesn’t enlighten everyone.  Jesus said “Let him who has ears to hear, hear.”  Of course, there are many who do not have ears to hear.  I welcome them into Hell every day. 

Mr. Tutu delights me further by saying, in essence, that because God is the “God of all” by implication all belief systems are pleasing to God:

We do scant justice and honor to our God if we want, for instance, to deny that Mahatma Gandhi was a truly great soul, a holy man who walked closely with God. Our God would be too small if he was not also the God of Gandhi: if God is one, as we believe, then he is the only God of all his people, whether they acknowledge him as such or not.

Yes, Mr. Tutu, God is the God of Gandhi just as he is the God of me.

Is my belief system OK, Mr. Tutu?

Well?

Do you see the absurdity in believing that all belief systems in “God” are somehow OK, and valid, and worthy of respect and honor?  I believe in God more than most; my belief makes me tremble.

But I can assure you, my servants, God is not pleased with my belief. 

God’s pleasure rests on those who seek his faith in truth, which means, by definition, an exclusive truth that rejects falsity as error and heresy.

Oh, I love the post-modern Christian mind that seeks to make peace with heresy in the misplaced name of loving toleration.  Rather than speak the truth in love, people like Mr. Tutu speak falsity with a false love.  False love exchanges the glory of God for the fairness of Man, seeking to make good what God calls evil.

So, while I agree that “God is not a Christian,” I must commend my servants for extending this self-evident truth into a subtle lie that God accepts all, whether Christian or not.

If that was true, I would be God’s favorite.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

3 Comments »

Coming May 21, 2011: Amusement Day

Posted in Bible, christians, heresy, theology with tags , on May 19, 2011 by devilbloggger

Judgment Day.

I learn something new almost every day, my servants.  This week I learned that there is a typo in the Bible, God’s word.  There’s a part in the Bible where Jesus (blechhhh!) says of his sure return that “no man knows the day or the hour.”  Now I find out that it should read “one man knows the day or the hour.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh my, my servants.  Sometimes Christians amuse even me.  And we are coming up on Amusement Day this Saturday, May 21, 2011.  In case you missed it, Harold Camping a Christian minister and head of a live weeknight call-in program on Family Radio, is again, doing what even Jesus can not do: naming the date of Jesus’ return. 

Camping’s first attempt at showing he knows something only God can know was back in September, 1994.  But this time, he’s sure.

You can read all about it at the wecanknow.com website, where we are assured that this time Camping really, really knows, and we should prepare accordingly.  One True Believer Blogger is so sure May 21st is the day that he says “I am not even including May 21, 2011 in the category of prediction, but in the realm of absolute fact.”   This blogger has even planned ahead; he has these reassuring words for all you unbelievers out there:

After the May 21 Rapture, many of us will no longer be here, but this blog will live on.  I have scheduled new posts to come out between May 21st and October 21st 2011, that will help those dealing with the End Times of the Apocalypse.  If you do not think you will be saved in the May 21 Judgement Day Rapture, then please bookmark this page now to visit on May 22.

Well, that’s a relief, I’m sure.  I’ll wait while all my servants go to the link and bookmark it.

Bookmarked?

Great. 

My servants, let me impart some kingdom knowledge.  This is for your eyes only.  Please pay attention. 

As one leading voice of sanity, Dr. Tim LaHaye has said,

Our Lord Jesus Himself said of the time when He will return to rapture His church to Heaven…that no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, but my Father only (Matthew 24:36).

I might add that the angels in Hell also do not know. 

Dr. Tim LaHaye continues:

Nothing can be clearer about the return of Christ for His Church than the well established fact that absolutely no one but God the Father knows “the day and the hour” when our Lord will return.

Do you see what is happening here, my servants?  I’ve taken what God intended to be a “readiness provision” of his plan and turned it into a side show.  Mr. Camping is certainly wrong, and his high-profile wrongness will only serve to cement in many people’s’ minds that Christianity is nothing more than a circus, and Mr. Camping is one of its freak shows. 

I trembled the first time I learned of God’s plan to keep Jesus’ return a secret.  I knew that such a strategy could result in Christians living their lives in a constant state of readiness, as if at any minute Jesus would return like a thief in the night. 

My nightmare scenario had Christians standing vigilant against my wiles, seeking “thy will be done on earth,” and generally focusing hour by hour on Godly labors in anticipation of their Lord’s return. 

Of course, my fears were totally unfounded.  Now I see that it is a rare Christian who actually lives as if the thief exists, much less might actually come some night.  Many Christians, and virtually all those who call themselves Christians, rarely give Jesus’ return a thought. 

I think many will be caught unawares, including Mr. Camping and his gang of followers.

So if Mr. Camping’s Side Show II serves merely to make more people leery of Christianity and its claims, then I say let the show begin!

And rest assured, my servants, I, too, will be blogging on May 22, 2011.

So bookmark this blog as well.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

3 Comments »

Humanity’s Greatest Weakness? (It’s not me.)

Posted in atheism, False religion, heresy, religion, Sin with tags , , , on March 5, 2011 by devilbloggger

Ask Satan

My servants, Laurie asked Satan a question, and Satan answers it here.  Laurie’s question, reproduced below, lends itself to many potential answers.  But at the risk of jeopardizing kingdom secrets, I give you below the best answer.  So enjoy, but treat this as highly confidential. 

Question: As the greatest anthropologist of all time, what do you see as humanities [sic] greatest weakness?

First, let me thank Laurie for the excellent question and the recognition of me as the greatest anthropologist of all time.  I accept all praise, warranted and not.

Short answer:  Humanity’s greatest weakness is their big buts!

Long answer:  Humanity’s greatest weakness is the aggregate of each individual human’s greatest weakness.  And the greatest weakness of every human being on earth today is his or her willingness to believe a lie in response to my prompting question: Did God really say?

Down here we call it “the big but”: it’s every human’s tendency to rationalize acting on their own desires against God’s holiness expressed in nature or conscience by asking in their hearts, did God really say?

Believing their temptation to uniquely entitled them to a special exception to God’s expressed righteousness, the rationalizing sinner always begins his or her self-justification with “But . . . did God really say?“

I never understood why God made creatures in his image with the ability to make moral choices; that is, the ability to reject him. 

I didn’t believe it at first, but I heard God give Adam and Eve a command that could easily be disobeyed if they but had a temptation.  Crafty one that I am, I quickly realized I need merely start by putting doubt into their minds as to what they otherwise clearly understood God to say, and then close the deal with a little lie of my own that if they disobey God’s clear command they will be like God.

Did God really say?

And it worked!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

And it still works!

To theophobic atheists and agnostics I whisper, did God really call himself I AM?  That is, is God really the self-existing eternal uncaused cause of all that is? 

To false religionists everywhere I whisper, did Jesus really claim to be the I AM?  That is, is Jesus truly God in human form, the second person of the triune Godhead?

And to sinners everywhere (which is everyone, everywhere) I am there to whisper into their tempted ears, did God really say . . . ? 

But don’t blame me for your sinful acts, you sinners.  I did not make Adam and Eve eat of the forbidden fruit and I cannot make you sin, either.  No, only you are ultimately to blame for your daily sins, and each one is due to your propensity to look for a big enough ”but”.  For each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.  Then, after desire has conceived an appropriate “but”, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

And the beauty of my wisdom is that very often the answer to the question did God really say? is not always spelled out in black and white so that even the most sympathetic to God’s will can usually find a way to justify their pet sin. 

Try it, my servants!  Next time you are tempted to sin, see if your mental process does not include yielding to my whisper: did God really say?

It worked with Adam and Eve.  And it works with everyone who ever lived. 

Except one.

I tried this trick with Jesus Christ when I tempted him to fling himself off the highest point of the temple.  Knowing who I was up against I used the more subtle tactic of quoting something God really did say.  “Did God really say that he will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone?”

And Jesus’ reply utilized the only defense to my trickery.

Dang!  Did God really say that?

6 Comments »

We gays don’t need no stinkin’ Bible (do we?)

Posted in atheism, heresy, homosexuality, liberals, political correctness, same sex marraige with tags , , , on January 3, 2011 by devilbloggger

Treason.

My servants, you can trust me to call out the misdeeds of my servants as well as God’s punks.  I must ensure a smooth-running kingdom by imparting to you, my trusted ones, kingdom knowledge, while also highlighting the treasonous words and actions of my servants.

Yes, treason.  You will see.  Stay with me here.

In fact, in light of today’s news, I’m issuing a Level 1 devilbloggger Alert; pay attention.  A Level 1 alert is for early trends that may or may not mature into kingdom-defeating problems. 

News, you say?  Yes, I’ve been troubled for days over one Reverend Candace Chellew-Hodge’s piece in the Huffington Post entitled, “Why Gays and Lesbians Should Never Argue Scripture.”

First, an aside.  One reason this report appeared on my desk is that I’ve trained my peeps to flag articles by women religious leaders.  I’ve found in the recent years that women clergy are predominantly liberal, and are my good servants.  This is not to say all—it is merely a rule of thumb that helps us down here to sort out whom to oppose. 

In general, women of faith are to be feared.  They quietly and fiercely embrace the living God and are often the spiritual leaders of their families.  But when women take on positions of authority in an organized religious context they overwhelmingly tend to spout error and heresy.  They often take on nonsensical labels, like “Christian Agnostic.”  The tendency of modern denominations to hand over authority to women and heretics is a fact that generally works to my favor.

But this time, one of my woman servants has betrayed me. 

Rev. Ms. Chellew-Hodges no doubt believes she has truth on her side when she advocates nonsense in her workshops called Bulletproof Faith: A Spiritual Survival Guide for Gay and Lesbian Christians.  But do you know what she teaches them?  She teaches that “we should never argue scripture with anyone ever again.”

And she’s serious.

Ms. Reverend has her reasons:

“The most important reason, however, that gays and lesbians should never, ever argue about scripture is because the Bible has nothing much to say about homosexuality.”

Uh, really?

Question:  If the Bible even remotely supported homosexuality and could be used as evidence of God’s being odie-dokie with the sin of boyboys and girlgirls, do you think Ms. Reverend would say such an idiotic thing?

My servants, let me tell you how to correctly think about homosexuality and scripture.  Please, except for quietly educating Ms. Reverend and others of my kingdom, please keep this information confidential.  It is highly sensitive.  If anyone can see your computer screen now, discreetly close this window and wait for them to leave.  This is for your eyes only.

“Nothing much about homosexuality” may be accurate in relative terms, but what the Bible does say about homosexuality is unambiguously and definitely that it is a sin.  The Bible uses unequivocally strong language in calling homosexuality an abomination.  The Bible says that homosexuals will not enter the kingdom of Heaven.

Now we in Hell know this.  Ms. Reverend knows this.  The difference between our belief and Ms. Reverend’s is tactical.  Please follow me:  Of course the Bible is overwhelmingly clear on the issue of homosexuality: it is a despicable sin in God’s sight.  But I have carefully taught modern people in modern society to not read the Bible.  I have blinded the minds of men so that they believe the Bible is some mysterious book with difficult to interpret passages of ancient text.  The Bible in the mind of most people is a hopelessly confusing, contradictory morass of dead men’s words purporting to be God’s word. 

Use this information, my servants, to our advantage.

In other words: argue the Bible even if you have to invent arguments because very few people have the knowledge to refute your erroneous positions.  Get it?  Just say the Bible is pro-homosexuality, throw out a few random verses, talk about the love of God, and sternly warn about judging others.  Do this with a sincere look on your face and you will convince a few, confuse many, and you can go home victorious.

Understand, my servants, that I reprove even my good servants like Ms. Reverend because it is my kingdom that is at stake.  I must stop people like Ms. Reverend who tacitly admit that scripture does not support my behaviors and practices.  Too often such people have found they can sacrifice my kingdom goals for their selfish profit.  And such people must be called out.

Ms. Reverend is on the right track, she’s just driving the train the wrong direction (there are only two directions). 

But I do take great pride in seeing my lie working a double-whammy, a two-fer of blindness induced captivity evident in Ms. Reverend’s reasoning:

“The Bible remains a holy book because it maps out humanity’s journey with God, and not the other way around.  … Humanity has moved from seeing God as a harsh judge and lawmaker to a [sic] seeing God as full of grace, mercy and love.”

“Humanity has moved . . .”

Not God.

And who moved humanity?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

(And make no mistake: God remains lawmaker and judge.)

5 Comments »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 113 other followers

%d bloggers like this: