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Clergy Can Be Fools Too

Posted in atheism, atheists, christians, Sin, theology, Truth with tags , , on May 2, 2012 by devilbloggger

Clergy.

What do you think of when you think of “clergy,” my friends?  Do you think “professional religious person” or something to that effect?  I hope so, because one of my greatest successes on earth is in convincing people that the work of God belongs primarily to those with the label of “clergy” or an equivalent like “pastor,” “priest,” “preacher,” “evangelist,” or “rabbi.”  Through this great cunning of mine I have effectively fractionogrified the work of God, limiting to a small fraction of the Godpie any focused activity against my kingdom.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

But I’m not finished, my servants.

No, I can do better.

And I’ll tell you my latest movement among clergy, if you promise to keep it confidential.

Promise?

OK, here it is: I’m successful almost the world over in demoralizing, tiring, overworking, and generally discouraging “clergy” to the point that many no longer even believe in God!

Don’t believe me?

Then consider this nice little article by Candace Chellew-Hodge in today’s Religion Dispatches, entitled, “Clergy Come Out as Atheists.”

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Yes, my faithful, as this article states, I have many “clergy” the world over who are either outright, professing atheists, or functional atheists.  I love the professing atheists most, but both kinds serve my kingdom well.  And all the while everyone thinks they are serving God’s kingdom!

I’m good.

I’m really good.

So Ms. Chellew-Hodge, who knows something about false theology from her own experiences, relates the plight of a Florida (U.S.A.) United Methodist Church pastor who recently “came out” as an atheist.  According to the article, Ms. Teresa MacBain lives a “double life” because, according to her,”I’m currently an active pastor and I’m also an atheist.”  You’ll have to read the article for the full scoop, but I just love the post-modern, mushy-gushy, jello-mindedness on display here.

I love it.

And I even love more that, according to the article, Ms. MacBain found a fool’s paradise:

MacBain recently attended the American Atheist’s convention in Maryland, where she came out as an Atheist pastor and has found a home in a new coalition helping such disbelieving clergy called “The Clergy Project: “a safe haven for active and former clergy who do not hold supernatural beliefs.”

Clergy who no longer hold supernatural beliefs?

Hey, my friends, what’s the point?  That’s like a gold miner who doesn’t believe in gold.  Or a pilot who doesn’t believe in flight.  Or a human being who doesn’t believe in God — fools all.

Fools’ fools, these clergy of mine are.

Even Ms. Chellew-Hodge recognizes a plain, undeniable truth of existence: “Specifically,” she says, “either you’re a Christian or you’re an Atheist.”

Right she is, but that doesn’t stop post-modern, mushy-gushy, jello-mindedness from providing succor to suckers.

Now, many of you may have a negative opinion of me, being that my main delight on earth is to roam about seeking whom I may devour.  Killing, stealing, and destroying is my game, after all.

But you must give me great credit for how I’m devouring “clergy” right before your eyes.

Let me impart some very sensitive kingdom knowledge to you, my good servants.

Can you keep a secret?  Look around you; do you see anyone who is untrustworthy?  Can any Godpunks see your screen?

No?

OK, listen carefully and quietly.  Ms. MacBain is a perfect object lesson to show how I work.  I didn’t convince Ms. MacBain of the ultimate lie overnight.  No, first I turned her denomination into a demonination.

Get it?  I removed a correct theology from her denomination to make it a demonination, full of un-Biblical error.  The very fact that a “she” holds the position she does is the first clue of abject error that leads to ultimate faithlessness (in God).  But she goes further, according to the article, MacBain laments of her situation:

There are plenty of traditional Christian churches who would never have me as their pastor, because I don’t believe the majority of what orthodox Christianity says I must believe. For instance, I don’t believe in hell. I don’t believe Jesus died for anybody’s sins, but because of the sins committed against him by the powers that were in charge at the time. I don’t believe Jesus bodily rose from the dead.

Where did she learn to believe lies?  Who taught her this claptrap?

Little by little I’m turning entire denominations into demoninations, slowly but surely compromising truth, selectively applying scriptural mandates, and generally pridefying entire swaths of humans so that they create their “god” in the image of man.

And a god in the image of man will always fail to the point of despair, which is what Ms. MacBain experiences daily.

Yes, I’m good.

Go ahead and say it: “You’re good!”

And do you want to know another little delight gleaned from the Religion Dispatch’s article?  According to Ms. Chellew, after Ms. MacBain came out, “[p]eople shunned her.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

And, “Only two of MacBain’s friends called her and took her to lunch.”

Where were the Christians to show God’s love?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Winning!!

4 Comments »

No, really, your soul is already “sould”!

Posted in christians, Devil, Original Sin, theology, Truth, Uncategorized with tags , on March 23, 2012 by devilbloggger

Selling. Souls.

My friends, for some reason many people believe I have some kind of magical power over humans, especially in the area of granting fortune and fame to those who sell themselves out to me.  As Wikipedia notes, it seems that a “deal with the Devil, pact with the Devil, or a Faustian bargain is a cultural motif widespread in the West.”  In general, the notion is that a person can offer his or her soul in exchange for diabolical favors.

Favors?

You really want my favor?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Apparently some do.

Thus, about a year ago I received a question on my “Ask Satan” page from someone named Simon who wanted to know how he goes about selling his soul to me.  I answered it, I thought, in a post about a year ago entitled, Sell your soul to me?  Uh, it’s already sold my friend.

I thought.

But I continue to get inquiries, including this one just last week in the comments section of the very post that answered Simon:

“i want to sell my soul how i doin that now can some one help me.”

Then, just yesterday, also in the comments section of the post answering Simon, I got the following request:

“Satan i wanna join you,make md rich and famous.”

Do these people not read??  (Of course, it appears not, based on the fact that they can barely write).

So, once again, at the risk of divulging kingdom secrets, let me elaborate on the following, which I explained to Simon:

While I appreciate your interest, Simon, in fact no sale of your soul to me is necessary because unless you have escaped my captivity by the blood of Christ I already own your soul.

You see, my faithful servants, the very idea of “selling your soul” is misplaced.  Your soul is already sold!

Your soul is already mine!

Why should I pay you with fortune, fame, or any other goodie when I already have your soul?

The only option for you at this time, my servants, is to have your soul redeemed!

Blechhhh!

The very thought.

But let me continue.

Pay attention, my servants, and you will be pleased to know that you need not appeal to me any longer to “sell your soul” to me.  You can rest in peace (let’s hope) in the knowledge that by your very nature as a human being you already belong to me.

There was a time when the earth was inhabited by innocent human beings.  I marveled at these creatures who were unlike any ever created.  They were not mere animals.  They were not angels.  They were not God.

But these walking, talking creations had one attribute that practically drove me mad: they were made in the image of God.

The image of God!  That’s what I wanted!

I tried to set myself up in the image of God and got punished with eternal damnation.  And here were human beings that were made from the git-go in that very image.

I set out to destroy them with the only power granted to me–the power to lie, cheat, and steal by deceiving temptationistification.

And temtationsitificate I did.

There were only two of them.

So I had to act fast.

And I did.

And the only thing God did not create entered the world shortly thereafter: sin.

Now, you are asking yourself, what does that have to do with selling your soul?

Glad you asked.

That wonderful day in the garden I succeeded in tempting the first humans to sin, particularly that man, Adam.  And just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, in this way death came to all men, because all have sinned.

Get it?

Sin entered into the human race through that one disobedient man.

Every person on earth born of the seed of man is born a sinner.

Am I good or what?

You are a not a sinner because you sin; you sin because you are a sinner.

That is, you are born mine!  I already own your soul by virtue of your being born of the seed of your father.

I am good.

The only human not born mine is one not born of the seed of man.

And that’s happened only once.

Blechhhh!

You see, then, you can relax.  You are mine.  And as such, my job now is merely to ensure that you do not ever understand that there is, in fact, someone who wishes to buy your soul.

Yes, there is a redeemer, one in whom you can have your soul redeemed through his blood, for the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.

Blechhh!

Blechhh!

There you have it, my friends.  If I say any more I risk losing you to true riches.

As it is, I enjoy keeping you captive to my riches.

Feel rich?

Yes, you do.

Now move along.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

What?    I’m not good?

Easter?

Oh yeah.  That.

24 Comments »

Are Mormons Christians? (Part II)

Posted in christians, False religion, God, religion, theology, Truth with tags , , on October 19, 2011 by devilbloggger

Different. Jesus.

Question, my servants. (Think about this, and marvel at my genius (and my humility)).  Why did the apostle Paul warn his readers at the church in Corinth against those who preach a “different Jesus than the Jesus [he] preached”?

Hmmm?

I could tell you the answer, but I would rather you think for yourself and realize the answer.  I’ll wait while you ponder a minute.

You couldn’t even ponder a minute? Oh well, let me explain a bit.  But, as usual, this is kingdom knowledge and is to be treated as such.

Consider: could it be that there were others, even in Paul’s time, who were preaching a different Jesus?

A different Jesus?

Yes, my servants, as I alluded to above, one mark of my true genius is how I learned early on that I could screw up minds, cause false religions to multiply, and generally foil the work of God on earth (at least that’s what I like to think), by leading people astray from a sincere and pure devotion to God.  And the secret I found was so simply devilish, even I was surprised at its effectiveness.  I merely go about confusing people’s minds on who Jesus is.

Really, it’s that easy.

There is one right Jesus, the Jesus of the Bible; the Jesus of orthodox Christianity.

And there are many, many, many wrong Jesuses.  I’m quite prolific in my sowing of false notions, wishful thinking, twisted doctrine, and I’m the master of general lying and deceiving on this matter.

It is my top priority.

Once people have the wrong Jesus, the rest of their theology typically tends to other wrong (and often weird) notions that always take up endless amounts of time to refute.  I ensure that Christians, for example, argue over whether Mormons wear special underwear (and why), whether Mormons use the Bible as sole inspiration (and why not), whether Mormons believe in Heaven as portrayed in the Bible, whether Mormons believe in this that and the other.

But the key to determining if a religion like Mormonism represents God’s truth embodied in the Christian Church, like I said before, can be answered by merely checking how it answers one question: “Who do men say that I (Jesus) am?”

Recall that in Part I last week I told you what the Bible says about who Jesus is, and this Jesus is the Jesus of traditional, orthodox Christianity.  I tell you this truth for the sole purpose of showing how crafty I am in promulgating false Jesuses and non-Christian religions on earth.

Remember the question, “Are Mormons Christians”?

Now, do you see how to answer this question?

No?

Arghhhh.  How long must I put up with you, my servants? You show so little ability to think for yourselves.

Listen, it’s easy.  If a religion claims to be “Christian” but actually preaches a different Jesus, then that religion is not (and can not be) Christian.  Adherents to a different-Jesus-religion can call themselves Christians, but that doesn’t change the truth of the matter.

Hey, if I called myself a Christian, would that make me a Christian?  (And I even know the true Jesus!)

Recall from Part I:

Christians have the right answer: Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God, fully God and fully man in one person, and will be so forever.

More simply: Jesus is God.  Jesus is the Second Person of the one God, the Holy Trinity.

Got it?  You can argue with me all you want, but you are wrong.  The Jesus of traditional, orthodox, Christianity (there is no other kind) is God, the uncreated second person of the Trinity.  I could give you chapter and verse, but I prefer you look it up yourself.  Don’t be lazy.  (Not that there’s anything against lazy, of course; Hell is full of lazy people.  Hot, sorry lazy people, but lazy nonetheless.)

So the question is simple: Is the Jesus of Mormonism the Jesus of Christianity?

First, consider that according to the Christian Apologetics & Research Ministry (CARM), President Hinkley, the prophet and revelator of the Mormon church, has publicly declared that the Jesus of Mormonism and traditional Christianity are not the same.

Hinkley is right, of course, because, as CARM documents:

In Mormonism, Jesus is a creation, the product of relations between god and his goddess wife who used to be people from another world (McConkie, Bruce, Mormon Doctrine, p. 192, 321, 516, 589).   Jesus is the literal spirit brother of the devil and of you and I (McConkie, p. 192, 589).

Yo, bro!  Where’s my birthday card!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

A different Jesus indeed!

So, is Mormonism a Christian religion?

Of course not.  It is definitionally impossible.

But are Mormons (individually) Christians?

Possibly.

But if they are, it is in spite of Mormon teachings, not due to them.

Remember a person’s Christianity is not determined by self-applied labels, religious affinity, good works, clean living or otherwise being churchified.  These are all my lies of deception to make people comfortable in thinking they are worthy of Heaven.

But a person’s Christianity is determined solely by the heart change rendered by the grace of God upon sincere faith in the true Jesus, the Jesus Paul preached.

True Jesus, Christian.

False Jesus, not Christian.

My job and yours, my good servants, is to ensure that as many people as possible believe in no Jesus, or at least in a false Jesus.  I don’t care if they then call themselves Christian or not, the truth of the matter is that I’ve deceived them and taken them captive.

And I’m doing quite well; Hell is full of people who called themselves Christian on earth. 

Well, not quite full.

There’s always room for some more bro’s.  We love to watch the bro’s as they fill out Hell’s pre-processing form, where in answering the question “why are you here?” they have to check the box for “Wrong Jesus”.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

7 Comments »

Why am I not a Christian?

Posted in christians, evangelisim, religion, theology, Truth with tags on September 7, 2011 by devilbloggger

Christian.

Blechhh!  I hate the word Christian.  I hate people who are Christians.  I hate hearing Christians praying to God.  I even have a general distaste for those who are not Christians, but who call themselves Christians (and there’s a whole boatload of those folks!)

And do you know why I hate Christians?

I’ll tell you if you promise to not tell anyone else.

Promise?

OK.

I hate Christians because they are so much like me, but I’m not their leader. 

Surprised?

You shouldn’t be.  Pay attention:

Christians believe in God.

I believe in God (and tremble, but don’t let that get out).

Christians believe Jesus is the Christ, the only begotten Son of God, begotten of his Father before all worlds, God of God, begotten, not made, being of one substance with the Father; by whom all things were made. 

I believe Jesus is the Christ, the only begotten Son of God, begotten of his Father before all worlds, God of God, begotten, not made, being of one substance with the Father; by whom all things were made.  I know I was made by him, and I’ve spoken directly with him.  And he defeated me and my death.

Christians believe Jesus Christ came down from heaven, and was incarnate by the Holy Spirit of the Virgin Mary and was made man.

I believe Jesus Christ came down from heaven, and was incarnate by the Holy Spirit of the Virgin Mary and was made man.  I was there when he was born and realized that God had found a way to get a human being on earth without being tainted by Adam’s sin.  Genius!  And I recognized right away that I must kill him.  I started by trying to kill him via King Herod in Bethlehem. 

Christians believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord and giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son, rounding out the Holy Trinity.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord and giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son, rounding out the Holy Trinity.  I caused Ananias and Sapphira to lie to the Holy Spirit who, in that episode, was called God by the apostles. 

Christians believe the Bible is the word of God.

I believe the Bible is the word of God.  I’ve memorized it, and use it all the time in my work on earth.

Christians believe that Adam’s sin tainted the entire human race, so that every human born of the seed of man is born into sin.

I believe that Adam’s sin tainted the entire human race, so that every human born of the seed of man is born into sin.  I was responsible for Adam’s sin, and it is that sin by which I keep men enslaved.

Christians believe in the bodily resurrection of Jesus Christ.

I believe in the bodily resurrection of Jesus Christ.  It was my clutches of death that he escaped, leading the captives free. 

Christians believe that salvation comes by faith through grace, as a gift of God to those who believe.

I believe that salvation comes by grace through faith, as a gift of God to those who believe.  That’s why I try to steal the seed of God’s word from the ground of men’s hearts as soon as it is sewn.

Christians believe in the return of Christ at the second coming, and in eventual judgment of all people, including me, who will be forever banished with the unbelievers in the Lake of Fire.

I believe in the return of Christ at the second coming, and in eventual judgment of all people, including me, who will be forever banished with the unbelievers in the Lake of Fire.  That’s why I operate with a sense of urgency, roaming the earth seeking whom I may devour.

You get the idea, right?  Basically, I believe everything Christians believe.  I believe in God and I believe Jesus is the Christ, the savior of all who believe in him. 

So here’s a question:  Why am I not a Christian?

11 Comments »

Evolution: Good for (my) Theologies

Posted in atheism, atheists, Bible, Catholic Church, common sense, creation, creationism, evolution, Original Sin, science, theology, Truth with tags , , , on August 30, 2011 by devilbloggger

Evolution.

Want to start an argument among Christians?  Just mention “evolution” in a crowd of two or more, and sit back and watch the show.  I watch it all the time, and I must say it never fails to amuse.

You know, atheists must believe in “evolution,” because they are constrained in their chosen belief system to only one interpretation of the evidence.  In a sense, atheists have it easy; they don’t have to really think about the evidence.  For atheists the answer to every question of origins must be answered in only one way. 

Atheists could wear T-shirts saying “Evolution is the answer, what’s the question?”

But Christians?  Those poor souls are in a quandary.  They are not mind-constrained to only one answer to the question “where do we come from?”  And because “science” demands one explanation and God another, Christians end up confused.

Many Christians lazily believe “science” over God.

It’s a beautiful sight.

And then I read in Forbes online today an article on this topic entitled, “Can Theology Evolve?”  In this piece author John Farrell explores:

. . .the recent Nature article on the increasing evidence that modern humans have inherited the genes of more than a few now-extinct relatives on the evolutionary tree, NPR hosted a short program on what this all means for one of the fundamental stories of Judaism, Christianity and Islam.

I linked to this story from a link at RealClearReligion: The Vatican Has a Problem with Evolution.

Well, well, well. 

Problem?

Yes, Problem, with a capital “P”.

Because, as Farrell explores in his article, the bottom line is simple and stark: if “evolution” is true, then the Bible is not true.

If “evolution” is true, then Adam and Eve were not real people, I did not tempt Eve, and Adam was not the first sinner, and there is no original sin.

In fact, if “evolution” is true the entire tapestry of Christianity tatters and shreds into little pieces of thread to be trampled on the floor of history.

A beautiful sight, I must admit.

What are we, my servants, to make of this growing controversy?

First, the easy points: Of course theology can evolve.  Duh!  Why do you think there are so many various theologies out there?  I’m behind all but one.  And all but one have evolved to the place they are now.

And as for the Vatican, the RealClearReligion’s statement is misplaced.  The real issue is “God has a problem with evolution.”

Let me explain, my servants.  What I am about to share is highly confidential kingdom knowledge.  Please casually look around and make sure no one can see your computer.

Clear?

OK.  Pay attention.  I put “evolution” in quotes because one of my greatest lies on earth is to deceive many into hopeless confusion merely by confounding what the term evolution means.  I keep people confused, darkened, and generally theologically schizophrenic because people don’t understand how the word is used, and what it really means as understood by modern biologists.

The real meaning behind “evolution” as used by any modern biologist refers not to mere “change over time” (as your high school teacher would have you believe), but Darwinian “change by mindless, unguided, purposeless processes of nature.”

Don’t doubt me on this one, my friends.  I’m the one behind the nonsense of Darwinism.  Regardless of all wishful thinking that “evolution is true but God is behind it all,” the bottom line is that such thinking is hogwash; “science” demands a purely naturalistic definition, and a purely naturalistic definition is just that: no mind behind creation.

Keep in mind that “science” doesn’t say anything, scientists do.

And if a scientist is constrained (as they virtually all are in modern academia) to a naturalistic explanation of science, then that scientist will always, without exception, come to a Godless “scientific” explanation of our human origins.

It is my way.  Start with a lie, end with a lie.

Clearly an explanation for human origins (and indeed, the entire universe) that starts and ends with mindless, unguided, purposeless processes can not in any way be squared with the Bible’s explanation of creation.

Someone is lying.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Yes, someone is lying to you, my friends.

Either matter came from mind in a purposeful creative act, or mind came from matter in a purposeless, accidental act.

There are only two choices.

But I ensure you will never be faced with a choice, a real choice demanded by the scientific evidence, because I’ve structured all of academia to guard a constrained definition of “science” as requiring only naturalistic, materialistic explanations for all natural phenomena.  This means that unless you take it upon yourself to read the excellent literature on the topic of intelligent design, you will never know the truth.

Truth?

Whoops.  Now we are into highly confidential territory. 

You see, my servants, I’ve forced the public discussion of origins into a “science or religion” framework.  And what is lost is a common sense inquiry into what is true?

Consider: if one does like the scientists of old, and put aside forced constraints on potential theories, and let free thinking reign with the goal of knowing truth, then evolution will die like other scientific theories.

The evidence simply does not support the requirement of Darwinism that new, beneficial forms, organs, or other features of species differentiation came about by unguided, natural processes.

The evidence does not support Darwinism.  There is absolutely no evidence that an unguided, purposeless process can produce new, novel, beneficial features needed for speciation (as opposed to silly things like peppered moths (no speciation) and finch beaks (again, no speciation)).

The fact that you don’t believe me just goes to show how effective I am at perpetuating a lie.

Look it up yourself.

As I’ve engineered modern atheistic science (the only kind allowed any more in public schools), as soon as one starts inferring design by using the common sense scientific method, the explanation is immediately assigned to the “religious” category, never to see the darkness of my scientific night.

Of course, this constraint is placed on “science” only for origins science.  Other scientific fields depend entirely on making design inferrences.  The entire discipline of archeology is built on inferring design from artifacts for which there is no evidence of the original designer.

An archeologist finds a piece of pottery and wonders (without hesitation, and with no hope of an answer) ”who made this?”

A biologist finds reams of information coded into the cell like computer programs but is not allowed to ask “who” made it, but only “how” did “evolution” make it.

Evolution is the answer, what’s the question?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I’m good, I’m really, really good.

In fact, when one removes the constraints of naturalism and materialism, and opens one’s mind to finding truth, regardless of its label as “science” or “religion”, one will find that science actually points to design.

Remember, this is our secret, right?

Good. Now close your mind and go evolve!

4 Comments »

The Business of Religion?

Posted in Bible, False religion, secularism, theology with tags on August 12, 2011 by devilbloggger

Money.

Quick: what subject in the Bible is so important that there are 800 verses dealing with it?  Right!  How did you know? 

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey, do you think any of those 800 verses say, “Thou shalt accumulate riches to maketh your earthly life abundantly cushyfied.  A biggeth and biggether house pleaseth me mightily and a car that costeth enough to feedeth a small African village for a year shalt maketh my blessings to raineth down on you almost forever”?

No?

Are you sure?

Then why do so many prominent religious folk and religious organizations behave as if there were such verse?  Of course, the answer is that many people who call themselves Christians have bought my lie that you actually can serve God and money, as long as it looks like you are serving God.

Got it?  Preach something like the gospel, tell people “give (to me, of course) and thou shalt receive many times over.”  Be snazzy, funny, and use some Bible verses, and you will receive “many times over.”

Yes, the business of religion can be very profitable.

Want proof?  You should see this fascinating post over at money.co.uk entitled, The Business of Religion.  According to the money.co.uk article, televangelists, for example, have an estimated combined worth around £1.5 billion, live in multi-million dollar homes and travel by private jet.  And this for preaching the gospel? 

Really?

Yes, because I ensure that, although they may look and sound like Christians, in fact I have robbed them of the truth so that they think godliness is a means to financial gain.

Is this what Jesus would taught?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

And it’s not just high-flying TV preachers and mega-denominations who worry about financial gain.  In fact, in these last days I ensure that rather than seek Godliness in contentment, many are lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, etc., etc. 

In other words, I have almost created Hell on earth for many people, most of whom only love money they don’t have yet.

Here’s the secret to my lie, my servants: God says that godliness with contentment is great gain.  This is because God knows that people who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction.  So I must make and keep people discontented.

I fill people’s little lives with worry about their life, what they will eat or drink, or about their body, what they will wear.  I tried to get all of nature including the birds of the air and the lilies of the field to worry, but it seems that humans are the only beings in the universe who respond to my worry lies.

And more than respond–discontent flourishes among humans, including Christians, thanks to me.  And a discontented Christian almost always seeks money to bring the desired contentment.  “If only you had more . . .” I whisper incessantly in their itching ears.

And, as God and I know, seeking contentment by dollars requires becoming a servant of money, and no one can serve two masters. 

But don’t despair, my servants; you can come close.  Serve money and you will come very close to also serving me also!  And serving me comes with all the good stuff mentioned above, like foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction.

So a Christian who makes money his master makes religion very good business–for me.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

4 Comments »

Dutch treat; the dikes are broken.

Posted in evangelisim, False religion, gospel, heresy, multiculturalism, political correctness, religion, secularism, theology, toleration, Truth with tags , on August 9, 2011 by devilbloggger

De cirkel is rond.

Well, I needed some good news.  No, not that Good News, my servants, but my kind of good news.  And I got it today.  I’ll tell you what it is in a moment.  But first a quiz: Do you know where the American Pilgrims–those Godpunks who in 1617 landed at Plymouth Rock in the New World–came from?

Think.

No, not England.

Right!  Holland!  Yes, those grim Pilgrims indeed started in Grimsby, Lincolnshire, but eventually found refuge in Amsterdam, the Dutch being early adopters of religious freedom.

But by 1617 the struggling group decided to pack it up and ditch Holland not for old England but for New England.

And the rest is history, as they say.

Unless . . . well, yes, it appears the rest might be not history, but mystory after all!

Why do I say this?  Well, the BBC reported the most wonderful news today in an article entitled, “Dutch rethink Christianity for a doubtful world.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey, Dutch Boy, it was always a doubtful world.  Don’t act like the world has changed.  It is you who has changed, and I’m the one who changed you.

For one, you believed my lies about the Bible, and stopped believing it was the word of God.  How do I know?  Well, consider some unbelievably heretical quotes from the BBC’s article. For starters, consider a dude named Mr. Hendrikse who dresses like a cleric and ”presides” over a little “church” in central Holland.  But rather than preach from the Bible, Mr. Heretikse preaches the wisdom of man, saying:

Make the most of life on earth, because it will probably be the only one you get.

How, you ask, could any clergy blurt any such claptrap?  It’s easy when the “clergy” have abandoned truth for my lies.  Mr. Hendrikse?  He doesn’t even believe “that God exists at all as a supernatural thing.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey, Mr. Hendrikse, why do you bother?

Really, why do you bother to wake up in the morning?  If you are right, then all is futile.  You are nothing more than an odd conglomeration of matter.  Why should any other conglomeration of matter listen to you?

But Mr. Hendrikse does wake up, my servants and he does speak, and others do listen.  And they listen to him spout stupid thoughts.  How do I know?  Because he wrote a book with a stupid title: “Believing in a Non-Existent God.”

And apparently he’s surrounded by hopelessly confused, lazy, stupid thinkers as well.  When some “more traditionalist Christians” objected to his heresy,

. . . a special church meeting decided his views were too widely shared among church thinkers for him to be singled out.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey, never mind that I’ve won as soon as groups who don’t believe in God can be classified as “Christians,” just not the “more traditional” type.  Never mind that I’ve won as soon as a “meeting” can “decide” right doctrine based on the number of people believing it.  Never mind it all, my servants, just know that I’m winning on all fronts in Holland; someone let their finger out of the dike.

I’m winning, folks.

Orthodoxy by popularity.  I love it.

Hey, if enough people believe a lie, is it still a lie?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

According to some lie-believer named Wim De Jong, Mr. Heretikse’s beliefs are okey dokey because:

Here you can believe what you want to think for yourself, what you really feel and believe is true.

Yes, and if you really feel it enough and believe it enough, it magically becomes true, right?

Hey, Mr. Lie-Belcher, if God does exist, does he cease to exist because Mr. Wimsy De Jong really feels he doesn’t exist?

Oh, I love to see my servants’ illogical, darkened thinking.  It is really a badge of honor for me, and a stinging indictment of all true Christians in Holland.

The “churches” in Holland are “experimenting with the contents of the gospel” according to the BBC article because “traditional Christianity places God in too restricted a box.”  And by getting God out of his “box” the “churches” in Amsterdam believe they will attract more people.

And, I must admit, I hope they do!

I never thought I would say that about the Dutch.

And the beat goes on.

3 Comments »

How to make an atheist cross

Posted in atheism, atheists, cross of Christ, False religion, freedom, multiculturalism, political correctness, politics, religion, separation of church and state, theology, toleration, Truth with tags , , on July 27, 2011 by devilbloggger

Cross.

You know I hate crosses, don’t you?  Crosses represent everything that I oppose, everything that I despise, everything that I wish I could change but cannot.  Crosses represent the one act, the one event, the one person of ultimate life.  O Death, where is my sting?

Blechhh!

Fortunately for my kingdom, me and mine are not the only beings in the universe who hate crosses.  One other class of beings also hates the cross, a class of humans who believe in disbelief, have a different faith, and hate the cross: atheists.

Humans are the only kind of being in the entire universe who can believe God does not exist; all other beings know the truth.  All other beings in Heaven and Hell are theists.

In fact, atheists also know the truth.  That’s why they try so hard to disbelieve. 

Do you know who theists write about? 

Right!  God.

Do you know who atheists write about? 

Right again!  God!

Why do atheists spend so much time thinking, writing, speaking, and generally fulminating about God?  Do atheists spend equal amounts of time and anguish insisting Bigfoot does not exist?

So it was with some amusement, my servants, when I read today’s article at CNN entitled, “Atheist group wants to stop World Trade Center cross.”  Apparently, the perpetually agitated became downright cross over the notion of displaying a cross at the World Trade Center memorial of the 9/11 terror attack.

The CNN article explains:

The World Trade Center cross, two intersecting steel beams that held up when the twin towers collapsed on September 11, 2001, is seen as iconic to some.

No, iconic to all, apparently, even our not-so-tolerant protectors of tolerance, the Godhaters.

What’s a good group of cross agitators to do when agitated by a cross in America?

Right! Sue, baby, sue!

America the sue-tiful!

Yes, my servants, the American Atheists filed a lawsuit this week in state court in New York claiming the “government enshrinement of the cross was an impermissible mingling of church and state.”

Of course, the American Atheists only consider “church” to include a belief in God.  This is because they are fools.  There are plenty of recognized religions/churches that hold to atheism as their theology.  Everyone knows this.  Even atheists claim religion status when it is convenient.  Here is one example.

Hey, I wonder if American Christians can sue to have crosses placed everywhere, because to not display a cross an impermissible mingling of atheistic church and state.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

You see, my servants, the state will always promote a religion.  It may be a theistic religion.  It may be an atheistic religion.  But church and state are necessarily “mingled” at every level.

Why do I care?  Well, it’s because atheists are also asatanists; they do not believe in moi.  And to tell the truth, that hurts a bit.  To try so hard to impact their lives with lies.  To see them believe my lies and reap the consequences.  To see them curse God instead of me.  Or to see them simply ignore God and me.  It just makes me a little irritated to get no credit for impacting their lives in such visible, tangible ways.

This must be how God feels. 

I suppose it’s not all bad.  At least I get to spend eternity with them.  God doesn’t.

So let’s take a look at these brainiac American Atheists.  To show you how darkened minds think, minds filled with hate and intolerance at those whom they believe hateful and intolerant, let’s take a peek at the American Atheists’ “Religion” page, and see what we can find out about these religionists.

Consider this gem of intellectual brilliance:

Religion spreads like disease through societies, rarely coexisting with pre-existing mythologies, rather preferring to conquer or be conquered. Religion is anything but tolerant.

And you, my servant American Atheists, do you co-exist with mythologies?  Don’t you prefer to conquer?  Are you tolerant?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Try this:

Religion is malicious, malevolent, and unworthy of respect.

Uh … it may be just moi, but you are coming across as overtly malicious, blatantly malevolent, and, quite frankly, entirely unworthy of respect.

Sorry.

And then, to show they know nothing about physics, the American Fools say this:

Atheism, the absence of religion, is the only “ism” that obeys the laws of physics. 

Really?  Tell me, Atheist Einstein, why is there something instead of nothing, and how does your answer obey the laws of physics?

Ha ha ha ha ha. (Most atheists don’t even understand this question, and won’t even try.  But when understood, the question highlights the atheists necessary faith in a godless miracle.  Shhhh …)

Hey, Lamesteins, where do “laws” that must be obeyed come from in the first place?

(Never mind the fact that “isms” don’t obey anything, atheist idiots.  Matter and energy obey the laws of physics.  “isms” merely express faith in an explanation of an unseen and unprovable physical event of the creation of matter and energy.  In both cases, theistic and atheistic, this explanation embodies the believer’s necessary faith).

In fact, my friends, atheism is a religion (at least legally in the United States), or it is the theology of godless religions like Religious Humanism (which all atheists are, whether they know it or not).

But back to the issue of the cross.  My servants, even though atheists rub me the wrong way because they are also asatanists, I must support them in their efforts at eliminating all crosses from public view.

It’s time that everyone put down their crosses and stop following Christ.  It’s time that the symbol of all that is good in the universe, the symbol of victory over death, the symbol of my ultimate defeat, the symbol of a functionally peaceful society, the symbol of a common cultural understanding, the symbol of help in time of need, the symbol of mercy and grace, the symbol of hope in a dying world, the symbol of . . .

Oh, gag me.

Just support the atheist fools on this one, my servants.  Please?

Now I’m cross as well.

9 Comments »

Science: atheism is a post-disposition of the mind.

Posted in atheism, creation, Darwin, Darwinism, science, theology, Truth, Uncategorized, worldview with tags , , on July 19, 2011 by devilbloggger

Quote of the Day: [I]t is an amazing thing to witness staunch atheists become cringing creationists one millisecond after they permanently leave the life of free will and enter my eternal kingdom of irredeemable theists.   –Evolution debate un-naturally selected to die in Louisiana

Brain.

What is the human brain, my friends?  Is it, as modern science would dictate,  merely a conglomeration of atoms that happened for no good reason to form in the Big Bang’s chain reaction of motion?  Like earth, wind, and fire, is the brain nothing more than the aftermath of a purposeless, chance event? 

 Darwinism holds this view, and this is precisely what all little chillens in public schools are taught.

And I like it.

But why, my servants, do humans, even after learning that they are accidents of nature, believe in God?  Why, after generations of worldwide indoctrination into Darwinian philosophy do people continue to have notions of God?

Do rocks believe in God? 

I know, my servants, I know. 

And so that you can join my efforts more effectively at making humans more like rocks, I will let you in on an enduring truth that must be extinguished.   This information is highly confidential, please treat it accordingly.  The only other place this information is found is in the Bible, so as long as you don’t spill the beans, the secret should remain.

Here it is: human beings are fundamentally different from every other creation, including me, because humans are uniquely created in God’s image.

Blechhhh!

That’s why atheists, who must work to believe that they are no different from rocks, work so hard at believing they don’t believe in God.  It’s actually impossible, and explains why atheists are such gloomy characters.

And today’s news from the atheistified Science Digest helps show why.  I’m referring to Science Digest’s article entitled, “Humans ‘Predisposed’ to Believe in Gods and the Afterlife.”

According to the article:

A three-year international research project, directed by two academics at the University of Oxford, finds that humans have natural tendencies to believe in gods and an afterlife.

Duh!

Natural tendencies?   I’ll say.  And I’ve been trying to smother those  tendencies for centuries.  Why do you have to bring it up as scientifically verified?

Fortunately, the researchers throw me a bone in reporting:

The studies (both analytical and empirical) conclude that humans are predisposed to believe in gods and an afterlife, and that both theology and atheism are reasoned responses to what is a basic impulse of the human mind.

Yes, atheism is a perfectly natural response!  And, I might add, this is why I like when an atheistic publication reports on such issues, because they should have written, “that both theism and atheism are reasoned responses . . .”

Hey, theogeeks, atheism is a theology!

While theism is the default response of the human mind, if one sufficiently succumbs to my lies, the foolish mind darkened by the wisdom of this world can suppress the default theism with feigned atheism.

Atheism is not only a reasoned response (according to my reasoning), it is a scientifically proven post-disposition of the human brain. 

Humans come into this world as fallen theists created in God’s image.  My job is to ensure that inborn sinfulness is nourished by worldly wisdom and vain philosophy so that the faint image remaining becomes almost completely obscure.

And every atheist that believes in unbelief confirms my success.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

And the beat goes on.

4 Comments »

Post-Hell Christianity? Huh?

Posted in Bible, christians, Hell, progressives, theology with tags , on July 17, 2011 by devilbloggger

Expansive.

Hell in the news again, my servants.  And you just have to love the title of the latest article in my Huffington Post entitled, “Post Hell Christianity and Other Questions of the Afterlife.”  The Huffington Post article, written by Kim Lawton of Religion & Ethics NewsWeekly, asks us to imagine what happens after death.  Is there an afterlife?  Is there a heaven?  Who gets in?  And what happens to those who don’t.  But more importantly, M. Lawton reports on renewed discussion in Christian and so-called Christian circles on the very existence of Hell.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I love it.  Post-Hell Christianity?

Really?

How can that be?  There may be a post-Hell worldview, a post-Hell belief system, even a post-Hell religion, my friends. 

But it is categorically impossible to have a post-Hell Christianity. 

Come to think of it, why do people care?  Really, why are people who have no interest in pleasing God beyond accepting self-approved religious beliefs even concerned with Hell at all? 

In any event consider: How do we know anything at all about Heaven or Hell in the first place?

Huh?  Think, think, think.

Right!  There is only one reason that the concept of Heaven or Hell, much less the very words themselves, even exist in our language: the Bible.

The Bible, and particularly Jesus, were very clear on the existence of Hell, who it was created for (moi, merci), who else is going to populate it (peut-être vous, s’il vous plaît?), and what it is like (vous ne voulez pas savoir). 

And, although I don’t like to advertise for the competition, as well Jesus Christ was very explicit about how to get to Heaven.

So why the discussion? 

Well, my friend Bell has a view on Hell that he’s tried to sell causing others to yell in an effort to quell the rising swell of something that smells.

Go that?  Rob Bell’s, the name.  Robbing Hell’s the game.   You can read what I’ve written about Rob Bell here, here, and here. 

Here’s how Ms. Lawton sets up the current issue over Hell’s existence.  First she quotes some truth-bearing Godpunk named Mary Vanden Berg, an assistant professor of systematic theology at Calvin Seminary:

There is one sure way to know that you will spend eternal life with God, in the presence of God, and that is through faith in Jesus Christ.

But according to Ms. Lawton’s article: “Bell offers a more expansive view.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.  I like “expansive.”

Expansive means, “Well, yes, the Bible has something explicit to say about Hell, but I prefer to read in my own interpretation of more tangential sayings of Jesus Christ.”

Why?

Why not?  Hey, if truth can be changed merely by believing something different, why not?

Wait . . . hmmmm.

Whatever.  According to Ms. Lawton, “Bell points to Scriptures where Jesus says he is restoring all things and drawing all people to himself.”

In other words, Hell is not where unbelievers spend eternity, because Jesus restores everything to himself and draws all people to himself, which, I’m guessing Bell believes is in Heaven (it’s hard to tell, because Bell relies not on the whole of scripture for his worldview).

Hey, Bell, if that’s true, why preach any gospel at all? 

Hmmm?

Why?

You can get back to me on that one.  In the meantime, keep on preaching the love of Christ absent the judgment of Christ. 

And I will keep on welcoming the BellHellers with Hell’s bells.

But don’t call your preaching Christian.  Because it is not.  A gospel without a literal, imminent, eternal Hell is one of my clever perversions, one of my confusions, one of my deceits, in which people fail to understand the plain teaching of Jesus Christ.

The world may have entered a post-Hell era.  But it is not post-Hell Christianity.  It is merely post-Christian.

Period.

2 Comments »

Destroying Society One (Gay) Marriage at a Time

Posted in Bible, christians, Government, homosexuality, perversion, political correctness, same sex marraige, Sexual revolution, theology, Truth with tags , , on July 12, 2011 by devilbloggger

Quote of the Day:  Just say the Bible is pro-homosexuality, throw out a few random verses, talk about the love of God, and sternly warn about judging others.  Do this with a sincere look on your face and you will convince a few, confuse many, and you can go home victorious. – We gays don’t need no stinkin’ Bible (do we?)

Inevitable.

Ahhh . . . the sweet confirmation of my success is here.  And from the entirely reasonable and even-keeled keyboard of Rod Dreher over at Real Clear Religion.  Today’s article, entitled “My Second Thoughts About Gay Marriage,” lays out better than I could the current landscape of gay marriage acceptance in America. 

And the picture is beautiful from my point of view.

Mr. Dreher is reacting to my recent victory in New York, which recently became the sixth, and largest, state in the US to legalize same-sex marriage.  Mr. Dreher noticed with some alarm the same thing I noticed with some delight: the virtual absence of any effective defense of the marriage status quo. 

Mr. Dreher had written a previous column complaining,

. . . that no conservative religious leaders had managed to articulate a persuasive case against gay marriage — this, because so few have been able to mount an effective defense of Christian sexual teaching since the Sexual Revolution.

Ta da!

Dreher is right.  Like magic I’ve virtually silenced any intellectually coherent opposition to boyboysex and girlgirlsex, including state-sanctioned marriage of such sinfulness.

Oops!  Did I say sinfulness?  I’m getting ahead of myself.  Hang on, my servants, while I explain what is really going on here.

My servants, what I’m about to share is highly confidential.  If you are on a public computer, please take note of your surroundings.  If someone can see your screen, casually scroll up or switch to another window now.  Wait until you are alone before proceeding.

Alone?

Good.

I recommend that you read Mr. Dreher’s article for yourself, as he adroitly lays out the situation facing those who oppose same-sex marriage in America.  He makes the following salient observations:

  • It is clear that aside from those who consider their moral judgments bound by Biblical religion … the point of privileging traditional marriage is increasingly lost on contemporary Americans.
  • It is true that the relatively swift popular acceptance of same-sex marriage is breathtakingly revolutionary, and it is a cultural revolution that has been driven by elites. But traditionalists cannot for much longer pretend that gay marriage lacks popular support.
  • [Same-sex marriage] is widely accepted by younger Americans, many of whom view the taboo against homosexuality as arbitrary and irrational.

And what does Dreher rightly conclude from these facts?  Just this:

The point is not that there are no morally serious arguments for same-sex marriage. Of course there are. The point, rather, is that the arguments against same-sex marriage are now so countercultural. Even more depressingly, it seems to me true that so few people want to entertain arguments at all.

Dreher then responds to the question: What should pastors and other social conservatives say now?

First, according to Dreher, such people should acknowledge the truth of the situation, and resign themselves to the fact that the redefinition of marriage, and indeed the family, is inevitable and unstoppable.  Americans are witnessing the inexorable ripening of the fruit of the sexual revolution, characterized by Dreher as “defeat that we are enduring.”

Second, Dreher correctly recognizes that,

For Christians, gay marriage is not the cause of our crisis. It is only a symptom, and a symbol of the new age.

And what is Dreher’s answer to the question above?  This:

I don’t know what, precisely, pastors and other church leaders should say about this issue going forward. But unless it’s based on an analysis that’s sober, deep, and unsparing, their words will continue to be unavailing.

Let me help out here.  There is an effective antidote to the cancer of the liberal-theology-fueled, secularized God-be-damned-politicoreligous-perverted road to legalizing my will on earth.  And it is this:

Convincing one heart at a time of sin and righteousness, and framing the question as “what pleases God?”

Did you get that?  I tell you this so you can deflect any such convincing as you see it.  Silence it.  Ridicule it.  Challenge it as backward, cruel, intolerant, and/or just plain irrelevant.  But stop it.

You see, there is no convincing the mind of a belligerent, convinced sinner of the moral nature of same-sex marriage.  The boyboys and girlgirls simply don’t care.  I ensure that by hardening their hearts and stopping their ears.

But the word of God is powerful, and the preaching of sin opens the mind to the convicting power of one greater than I, and once convicted of God’s righteousness, the question for the changed heart no longer becomes “can I rationalize this in my own mind as OK?” but “can I in my own heart know that this activity please God?”

You see, almost any chosen behavior can be mentally rationalized using and misusing the Bible for one’s own selfish purposes.  Thus when one understands that “there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people,” all one need to is convince his own mind that his particular chosen sin is not truly immoral, impure, or greedy.

Done!

But when one frames the challenge as “Live as children of the light and find out what pleases the Lord,” suddenly the mental challenge to justifying sin becomes greater; in fact it becomes insurmountable to the honest heart.

Does anyone really believe the Bible approves of same-sex marriage? 

Well, yes, in fact, many do.

Can anyone really make the case that same-sex marriage “pleases the Lord?”

Those who do can only do so by invoking the “God is a God of love, and a loving God loves all his chillens, including boyboys and girlgirls.”

And by this logic the “loving God” must love all manner of perversion among his chillens, and nothing could be deemed displeasing to him.  Any other outcome makes God arbitrarily intolerant, and, thus unloving.

Clearly the question of what pleases God forces the issue in a different light that even those committed to sin cannot stand against.

Preach sin.  Stress the personal responsibility of finding out what is pleasing to God.  Let God change hearts.

And changed hearts will change society.

It’s as simple at that.

Fortunately I have such a huge advantage in numbers of hearts possessed that it’s unlikely that modern Christians have the staying power to reverse the course of American society toward total state-sanctioned sexual perversion.

In fact, with men it is impossible.  Let’s hope, my servants, that the battle remains among men.

And the beat goes on.

3 Comments »

Church growth in America (my way)

Posted in Bible, Catholic Church, christians, gospel, liberals, multiculturalism, political correctness, theology, toleration, Truth with tags , , on July 11, 2011 by devilbloggger

Shrinking.

Have you ever heard of a Church Shrink Expert?  A Church Shrink Consultant?  How about a Church De-membership Drive, or a Church Negative Growth Committee?

No?

I don’t know why not.  After all, Church Shrink Experts and Church Shrink Consultants are ubiquitous in the modern church.  In fact, they control most of the governing bodies of the mainline denominations, leading them step by step to empty pews and cultural irrelevancy.

It took years for me to groom the numbers on earth today, but Church Shrink Experts now control most established protestant denominations, and many Catholic and Orthodox churches.

And they are very effective. 

Does anyone care?  Consider Churchboy:  If your local congregation disappeared today, would anyone in your community care tomorrow?  Would anyone in your community even notice?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Answer honestly Churchboy.  The fact of the matter is that most churches on earth today exist primarily for those inside and hardly at all for those outside. 

And the numbers of those inside are shrinking. 

Coincidence?

My servants, I’ve watched the steady decline in numbers of mainline churches with great pride.  I am Church Shrinking Expert One, and I must pat myself on the back for my great success in this area. 

And, at the risk of reversing my trend I thought I would share three tips for Church Shrinking with you.  What spurred my thinking on this was a news story today in The New American entitled, “United Church of Christ Votes to Remove “Heavenly Father” from Bylaws.” 

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I love it!  Remove Heavenly Father from their earthly, human, manmade bylaws?  

The New American reports:

Explaining the change, which reflects a trend toward gender-neutralizing (and in some cases feminizing) God that has been in vogue throughout the denomination for years, UCC spokesperson Barb Powell told World Net Daily:

In the UCC, our language for God, Christ and the Holy Spirit … is preferred to be more open for different expressions of the Trinity. Heavenly Father is just one vision.

Well, yes, “Heavenly Father” is just one vision.  Never mind that it is God’s vision.  I suppose when one decides to make God politically correct anything is possible.  If scripture is to be ignored another equally valid vision is that God is a unicorn.  Even better, a bi-sexual unicorn with two mommies.

Why not?

No, really, why not??

But what I like best is the quote from David Runnion-Bareford of Biblical Witness Fellowship (BWF), a group formed to battle “UCC’s theological surrender to the moral and spiritual confusion of contemporary culture.”

He called the latest compromise by the church, which is one of the most rapidly shrinking Protestant denominations in America, “a powerful confession by the Synod of the UCC that, having rebelled against the word of God, is on sinking sand — with our members, churches, historic witness, and identity in Christ washing away before our eyes.”

Sorry Dave, you are losing this battle.  And the great swooshing sound of church members washing away before your eyes illustrates my first, and most important Church Shrinking tip: 

Tip 1: Be Relevant; mold scripture to modern culture.

Get it?  It is the Gospel of Modern Niceness.   Modern political correctness demands tolerant niceness to all.  We all learn that it’s nice to be nice to the nice, and the only one’s who aren’t nice are those meanies who believe the Bible to be God the Father’s (sorry, UCC) word on earth.

Does gender specific language offend?  Then just change it!  Be relevant to those to whom (and to those two, whom) such language is a barrier to communion with whatever God you believe you worship. 

But the Niceness doesn’t end at gender nonsense, of course.  Niceness leads to denominational endorsement of same-sex marriage, ordination of homosexual ministers, and implicit condoning all manner of sexual impropriety that now imposes as the contemporary norm.  Consider an elaboration of this tip from John Richardson, who has studied Shrinkology in modern churches:

Contemporary relevance is a fundamental tool in denominational shrinkage. Not only does it deter people from going to your churches, it actually camouflages the fact that they are not.

And, as Richardson states, here is the great lie that goes unnoticed until all the pews are empty:

But of course nobody will commit themselves to a church which is preaching what they (the non-churchgoer) already practise. Sundays are for resting, in bed or with family and friends, not sitting in uncomfortable buildings … watching badly performed rituals and listening to the blessed thoughts of the half-unbelieving and half-trained, though well-intentioned, minister.

I couldn’t have said it any better.  And it just amazes me how many Christian denominations, in an effort to grow abandon the very reason for church in the first place: scripturally sound doctrine that drives a self-controlled disciplined lifestyle, set apart from the world, being transformed by the renewing of the mind to God’s thoughts to be more like Jesus daily.

Blechhhh!  I can’t believe I even wrote that.

Tip 2:  Drop Your Demands

Related to being relevant in modern culture, dropping troublesome demands on a sinful lifestyle and stressing holiness is a sure-fire church shrinker.  As Richardson notes:

[M]aintaining the demands of orthodox belief generally doesn’t sit well with denominational shrinkage. A broad church is, by and large, a leaky church. If you want to lose the average person from your church then, paradoxically, you must declare as ‘faith’ what the average person already finds it easy and comfortable to believe. Never mention the afterlife except in terms of cosy reassurance about the love of God. Specifically, never mention hell – except when assuring people that a loving God could not possibly send anyone to such an awful place invented by vindictive humans etc. (It may be necessary to keep off the Bible in general or Jesus’ own words in particular at this point.)

Yes, make your church one of Easy Believism.  Do not require repentance, a holy lifestyle, adherence to scripture in matters of morals and behavior, or any of the other things that Jesus tends to like.  And never, never, mention H-E-L-L.

Tip 3:  Never mention or stress mission.

Jesus gave a Great Commission that scared the socks off me when I first heard it.  Go into all the world . . . making disciples . . . of all nations.  Each phrase chilled my already cold soul as I realized what would happen to my kingdom once the Great Commissioners got moving. 

Fortunately in the modern church today, particularly in Western cultures, there is virtually no Great Commissioning going on.  Most Christians go through their entire lives without making one disciple!

I know, my servants, I know.  It’s unbelievable!

But it’s true.  Churches with members that don’t reach out to friends, neighbors, co-workers, and their surrounding community with Good Deeds and Good News will only shrink away to oblivion.  It is inevitable; it is happening now.  As Richardson concludes, quoting a book The Churching of America 1776–1990 by Roger Finke and Rodney Stark:

[T]o the degree that denominations rejected traditional doctrines and ceased to make serious demands on their followers, they ceased to prosper. The churching of America was accomplished by aggressive churches committed to vivid otherworldliness.

Yes, that’s true to an extent.  But the fact is that all churches are committed to “otherworldliness.”  But because the “otherworldliness” is not “vivid” a shrinking number are aggressively committed to God’s “other world” while a growing number are aggressively committed to my “other world.”

Lack of vividity fuels church growth my way.

Viva nonvividity!

3 Comments »

3 in 10 Americans don’t worry me

Posted in atheism, Bible, Catholic Church, christians, False religion, liberals, theology, worldview with tags , , on July 9, 2011 by devilbloggger

Quote of the Day:  But overall I love the mere confessors, because virtually all of them are lukewarm, just the way I like it.
– Gays kissin’ and dissin’ (what’s missin’?)

Literal.

What would happen, my servants, if one person on earth believed, I mean really believed, that the Bible was the actual word of the living God?  Well, of course, there was one person for whom that was actually true, and he almost destroyed my kingdom single-handedly. 

I often wonder why he didn’t.

And today there are many, many people who threaten my kingdom by similarly believing that God exists and obey his word as being literally true.  That combination of beliefs in a person signals a clear and present danger to my kingdom, and I deploy my most effective resources against such people. 

I can usually neutralize the impact of true believers by ensuring they experience either severe trials of their faith or extreme material blessing.  Both tend to result in a spiritually crippled believer; one dragging down to despair and the other conning into complacency.

I’ve used both techniques on the world for years with great results.  The numbers of people who believe the Bible to be the literal word of God shrink daily.  In the West I’ve leveraged primarily material blessing together with higher education and the lie of politicoreligious pluralistic mumbojumboism to steadily numb the spiritual senses of people. 

Weak and lazy minds distracted by the cares of this world work to further my kingdom on earth.

That’s why, my servants, I was surprised to read in my Huffington Post (in the Mumbojumboism section) the headline, “Poll: 3 in 10 Americans Take The Bible Literally.” 

Huh?

Americans?

Sure enough, apparently it’s true.  As stated by HuffPo:

A new Gallup poll reveals that three out of ten Americans believe the Bible to be the actual word of God, to be interpreted literally, word for word.

Well, well.  So many of you Americans have been holding out on me, eh?  I look for people like you 3-in-10′s all the time.  If Gallup had asked me I would have put the number at around 1 in 100,000.  As I roam about the earth, including America, seeking whom I might destroy I focus on exactly your type, you 3-in10′s. 

Where are you hiding?

Wait a minute.  Let me think about this.  Is it possible for someone to believe the Bible to be the actual word of God, to be interpreted literally, word for word, and I not know it?  Wouldn’t an army of 3-in-10′s pretty much put my kingdom in tatters in short order?

By my calculation, 3 in 10 Americans is 100,000,000 Americans! 

100,000,000!! 

One hundred million people, any one of whom could successfully storm the gates of Hell and cause me to flee!  Any one of whom could lead large numbers of my captives to freedom in Christ by the preaching of the gospel, the caring for the poor, and the healing of the hurt and wounded.

I haven’t noticed any particular large scale threat to my kingdom coming out of America.  In fact, I see shrinking church membership, anemic church attendance, and a largely politically silenced impotence among Christians and those who call themselves Christians in the U.S.  (Maybe the 2.9 in10 fall in the latter classification??)

I wonder if God has noticed anything.  Maybe I’ll ask him next opportunity I have to inquire of him, as I did with Job, where I might find a righteous person to persecute.

So, my servants, what are we to make of this putative bad news about American 3-in-10′s?  First, note that the 3 in 10 statistic is down from previous years.  In 1980 and 1984 the number peaked at 40% — 4 in 10!  Second, note that in the same survey 17% believe the Bible to be a book of fables and legends.

And note further, my servants, that responses to the Gallup poll shifted drastically by levels of education.  As reported:

Of those with a high school diploma or less, 46 percent say they take the Bible literally, while only 16 percent of those with a postgraduate degree align with this view.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

What does this poll taken together with real world experience say?  Well, from my perspective it says that 3 in 10 Americans are either uneducated or liars.

Or both.

So we need not be concerned, my friends.  Let the Christians bask in their 3-in-10 status.  It makes little difference to me.

Look at it this way:  do you think America would be any different if 10 in 10 Americans believe the Bible to be the actual word of God, to be interpreted literally, word for word the same way the current 3-in-10′s do?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

And the beat goes on.

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Coming May 21, 2011: Amusement Day

Posted in Bible, christians, heresy, theology with tags , on May 19, 2011 by devilbloggger

Judgment Day.

I learn something new almost every day, my servants.  This week I learned that there is a typo in the Bible, God’s word.  There’s a part in the Bible where Jesus (blechhhh!) says of his sure return that “no man knows the day or the hour.”  Now I find out that it should read “one man knows the day or the hour.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh my, my servants.  Sometimes Christians amuse even me.  And we are coming up on Amusement Day this Saturday, May 21, 2011.  In case you missed it, Harold Camping a Christian minister and head of a live weeknight call-in program on Family Radio, is again, doing what even Jesus can not do: naming the date of Jesus’ return. 

Camping’s first attempt at showing he knows something only God can know was back in September, 1994.  But this time, he’s sure.

You can read all about it at the wecanknow.com website, where we are assured that this time Camping really, really knows, and we should prepare accordingly.  One True Believer Blogger is so sure May 21st is the day that he says “I am not even including May 21, 2011 in the category of prediction, but in the realm of absolute fact.”   This blogger has even planned ahead; he has these reassuring words for all you unbelievers out there:

After the May 21 Rapture, many of us will no longer be here, but this blog will live on.  I have scheduled new posts to come out between May 21st and October 21st 2011, that will help those dealing with the End Times of the Apocalypse.  If you do not think you will be saved in the May 21 Judgement Day Rapture, then please bookmark this page now to visit on May 22.

Well, that’s a relief, I’m sure.  I’ll wait while all my servants go to the link and bookmark it.

Bookmarked?

Great. 

My servants, let me impart some kingdom knowledge.  This is for your eyes only.  Please pay attention. 

As one leading voice of sanity, Dr. Tim LaHaye has said,

Our Lord Jesus Himself said of the time when He will return to rapture His church to Heaven…that no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, but my Father only (Matthew 24:36).

I might add that the angels in Hell also do not know. 

Dr. Tim LaHaye continues:

Nothing can be clearer about the return of Christ for His Church than the well established fact that absolutely no one but God the Father knows “the day and the hour” when our Lord will return.

Do you see what is happening here, my servants?  I’ve taken what God intended to be a “readiness provision” of his plan and turned it into a side show.  Mr. Camping is certainly wrong, and his high-profile wrongness will only serve to cement in many people’s’ minds that Christianity is nothing more than a circus, and Mr. Camping is one of its freak shows. 

I trembled the first time I learned of God’s plan to keep Jesus’ return a secret.  I knew that such a strategy could result in Christians living their lives in a constant state of readiness, as if at any minute Jesus would return like a thief in the night. 

My nightmare scenario had Christians standing vigilant against my wiles, seeking “thy will be done on earth,” and generally focusing hour by hour on Godly labors in anticipation of their Lord’s return. 

Of course, my fears were totally unfounded.  Now I see that it is a rare Christian who actually lives as if the thief exists, much less might actually come some night.  Many Christians, and virtually all those who call themselves Christians, rarely give Jesus’ return a thought. 

I think many will be caught unawares, including Mr. Camping and his gang of followers.

So if Mr. Camping’s Side Show II serves merely to make more people leery of Christianity and its claims, then I say let the show begin!

And rest assured, my servants, I, too, will be blogging on May 22, 2011.

So bookmark this blog as well.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

3 Comments »

Terrible News Tuesday (No. 4)

Posted in Catholic Church, christians, gospel, political correctness, religion, separation of church and state, theology with tags , on April 12, 2011 by devilbloggger

Alliance.

Do you know what I like almost more than anything, my servants?  Division.  I love to divide families, communities, nations, and, most of all the Body of Christ.  Imagine a body all chopped up, its various parts rendered useless by their disconnectedness to the head. 

Abortion?  Of course, but I’m speaking figuratively, although, all destruction by tearing apart what God put together makes a beautiful sight.

Which brings me to some terrible news today. 

Do you know what I dis-like more than just about anything else?  Unity.  Blechhhh!

That’s why I reluctantly bring you bad news today, my servants.  Imagine my trepidation when someone brought me the Christianity Today headline entitled, “An Improbable Alliance.”    It seems that Catholic and evangelical theologians are successfully seeking common ground on religious liberty, an issue that I’ve used to cause frequent strife between the two groups.

Oh my.

Maybe I pushed liberty-crushing political correctness too far.  Maybe I disguised prejudice against Christianity behind the smokescreen of tolerance a little too well.  Maybe God is working in the hearts of Christians . . . bah!

I remember when I tried to abort the early body of Christ by splitting up the early church.  I had various factions quarreling among one another; one saying “I follow Paul,” another, “I follow Apollos,” another, “I follow Peter,” another, “I follow Christ.”

Then the apostle Paul (whom I thought would be flattered to have had a denomination named after him, like Wesley or Luther) came along and put a stop to that.  “Is Christ divided?” he asked.

Ouch!

Paul heaped on the truth of unity in the Body of Christ:

“Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. . . . [W]e preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.”

But, fortunately, men continued to trade the foolishness of God for the wisdom of men.  And once Paul left the scene wise men once more began dividing up to follow Paul, Apollos, Peter, and, a very few, Christ.

It was a beautiful sight.

That’s why this “Improbable Alliance” makes me ill.  The alliance, manifested in a group called “Evangelicals and Catholics Together” (ECT), seeks to bring together all Christ followers in a common cause. 

Evangelicals and Catholics together?

Impossible, right?  I mean, come on, what possibly could bring these two together?  That’s like a group called “Water and Oil Together.”  The only way that could happen is with great agitation.

Oh, wait . . .

Hmmm . . .

Yes, maybe you, my servants, screwed up with your politically correct intolerant agitation and stirring up of religious bigotry.  According to the article, ECT seeks to restore lost religious liberty:

“Now we are standing together to defend the religious liberty of all believers, which is under assault around the world and in the U.S.”

And the ECT Godpunks go further, taking deadly aim at our kingdom, my servants, by recognizing up front that while the two groups have serious theological differences, joining together in alliance has great value:

“It allows us to make common cause on the great moral issues facing our culture, including the sanctity of life, the dignity of marriage, and religious freedom.”

Learn this carefully, my servants: this is code language for efforts at joining in alliance to stop abortion on demand, prevent same-sex marriage legislation, and restore religious liberties in the public square.

You can see why I’m peeved. 

I just hope this doesn’t catch on.  I hope Catholics continue to condemn Protestants and Protestants to look down their noses at Catholics.

At least then I still have those who are of Peter and those who are of Paul, which leaves very few who manifest truly being of Christ.

Alliance?  History is on my side.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

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