UPDATE: Pardieu, mes serviteurs. In the blog post below my informants confused Iowa with Wisconsin. Iowa is mainly known for growing corn, not cheese production. Wisconsin is the home to proud cheese-heads. My apologies. Enjoy.
I’m worried here, my servants. You need to help me out. My friend President Obama isn’t faring so well these days, and I’m concerned that he won’t serve me a second term. I know many of you think I have supernatural powers to make events happen, but I don’t. All I can do is hope for change. For the rest I need you to do my will on earth. Now is the time.
You see, my servants, I read today in an AP article entitled “Growing Evangelical Clout Shaping Debate” that in the United States the clout of social and religious conservatives is growing in politically crucial Iowa. Blechhh!
For my global, non-US servants, Iowa is a state in the United States that is known for virtually nothing but cheese. But because the first Republican caucus for the upcoming presidential election is in Iowa everyone who wants to be America’s next big cheese panders to Iowans first.
And something is beginning to stink.
In fact, I’m issuing a Level 2 devilbloggger Alert for today’s threatening news. A Level 2 Alert is issued for a credible threat to the long-term stability of my kingdom, a threat for which I must ask all my faithful to sacrifice some time and energy to counteract.
Yes, we can.
According to the AP article, these stinkin’ Christians are meddling in politics big time. Norm Pawlewski, a lobbyist for the Iowa Faith and Freedom Coalition, says of social conservatives (code word for stinkin’, meddlin’, Bible-thumpin’, Christians):
“They’ve gotten more involved in the party. I’ve seen a change in the kind of people who are volunteering — and not only volunteering but working.”
You see, my servants, the reason for my alarm? It’s one thing for Christians to whine about a corrupt and Godless society. It’s one thing for Christians to moan and groan about a president who displays actions consistent with my will. It’s one thing for Christians to apathetically withdraw into their “holy huddles” and keep quiet.
But it’s entirely another thing for Christians to start working for change.
I suppose I miscalculated my man Obama. I knew he would seek to enact legislation, forcefully back policies, and shamelessly pander to constituencies in ways that please me. But I didn’t quite expect Americans to notice and react the way they are. Steve Sheffler, president of the above-mentioned Faith-in God-and-Jesus-only and Freedom-except-to-do-what-you-want Coalition-of-like-narrow-minded-meddlers said “part of the energy surging through social and religious conservatives comes from antipathy to the Obama administration.”
Say it ain’t so! I had such great hope for change!
My servants, if we want to keep Son Obama in office four more years, each of you must get out and counteract any resurgence of Godly family values, traditional morals, healthy lifestyles, secure commitments, and every other detestable cultural barrier to my kingdom on earth.
Like I said, many of you think I have some magical, supernatural powers to do my work on earth. But I don’t. I can only work through the minds of those taken captive by my vain philosophies and haughty pretenses against all things Godly.
And you are my captives. As long as you don’t do anything to help those Iowans push their social agenda, you do my will. As long as you do not get out and work for issues held dear by the Conservative Right, you please me. And as long as you don’t vote for a candidate to replace my Servant Son Obama, then I say “well done, my good and faithful servant.”
Now go and do bad for my kingdom.
Starting in Iowa.