Satan's Blog

Ask Satan

I received a question today, my servants.  Bear with me as I transmit my answer here, as well as on the Ask Satan page.  I appreciate your questions and hope that my answers serve merely to entertain you and serve no purpose in leading you astray from my kingdom.  Enjoy

Question: Here is the question, exactly as it came into my office today:

Answer:

Simon . . . Simon . . . that name rings a bell . . .

Ah! Now I remember–different Simon, I’m sure.

But to work: thank you Simon, my servant, for your email; I’m delighted to answer your question because I have good news.

No, not that Good News, silly Simon, my good news.  You are right, my friend that there are online sites purporting to provide an opportunity to sell your soul to me.  See, here and here, for example. 

Now here’s my good news: While I appreciate your interest, Simon, in fact no sale of your soul to me is necessary because unless you have escaped my captivity by the blood of Christ I already own your soul.

Do you see how easy that is, Simon?  You are already mine by virtue of being an unregenerated human being!  You see, my friend, sin entered the world through one man, and death though sin, and in this way death came to all men.  You were born a sinner in my kingdom, Simon.  And, unless you yield to Christ, you will die a sinner in my kingdom.

So relax!  There is no need for me to manifest myself to you any differently than I already do; just resist the pull of that unconditional compassion that manifests itself before you as hints to your soul of a better way.   Besides, I already manifest myself to the world through lies, distortions, deceit and destruction.  Look around you, Simon, I am manifested in a fallen world that loves a lie and hates God’s righteousness.

If you insist, here is one thing you can do.  Turn on your television to prime-time network or popular cable programming.  There I manifest myself in TV shows full of sexual innuendo, irreverent humor, blasphemous language, and generally crass and crude story lines.  And on most nighttime television you are sure to get an eyeful of my court-sanctioned artwork.  You know the kind of art I’m talking about, right Simon?

Enjoy.

If you get bored with the art world of soft porn on television, do what over half the men in the world secretly (they think) do and take a long, lustful peek at some masterpieces of hard porn on the internet. 

You see, Simon, I take advantage of every opportunity to manifest myself to you through what you put before your eyes and ears.  All you see and hear goes straight to your heart to make you into a big strong tree bearing my fruit. 

Now, Simon, on the off-chance that you are very serious, please listen to me.  Whatever you do, do not stop worshipping me by believing in Jesus Christ as crucified and raised from the dead.  Whatever you do, do not yield to the gospel of Christ who is the image of God, and in whose blood lies victory over my complete control in your life.  If you wish to continue to worship me, you must not lend one eye or ear to the Bible such that the eyes of your heart would be enlightened that you might know the hope to which Christ has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power to those who believe.

Got it, Simon?  In short, stay away from the Gospel, for it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.

Yes, Simon, stick with me, my friend.  Make sure your eyes and ears yield to my delights, and not the Bible, such as in John 3:16, John 8:32, or John 14:6. 

Sorry that you will not get any financial benefit out of my ownership of your soul, but surely you have some money nonetheless.  And with that you can still please me.  Go and do what most Christians do with their money:  spend it on some little diversion, some selfish desire, or some other temporal delight indulged for their own pleasure.

Ah, life is good.