Blasphemy.
That’s what those crazy-fun Iranians were doing (again) this week. 
Yes, my servants, as reported by AFP here, thousands of Iranians were recently on the streets again, railing in mass protest against the “Great Satan” United States to mark the 31st anniversary of the capture of the American embassy by Islamist students.
Great Satan? Moi?
Now I’m a little conflicted here on this one. You see, on the one hand I’m flattered and honored, because I also hate the United States. Many of my best fireteams have focused exclusively on the United States over the last 250 years, and they’ve made great progress.
Go Iranians! We’re with you!
But on the other hand, I must admit I feel a bit slighted at best, and blasphemed at worst. Let’s face it, I AM the Great Satan! Look at ME! Pay attention to ME! I am a jealous being and don’t wish to share my name and true evil nature with anyone. It’s OK for people to imitate me, follow me, serve me, but to be me? I must draw the line.
To be frank, just between us, I resent that a country built on God’s truth carries my label. Calling the United States the “Great Satan” only draws attention to the sharp contrast of cultures and the distinct differences in society between a country built on God’s principles of freedom and liberty and countries built on, well, other principles. If no one knew of America’s Godly heritage it would be different–then maybe calling the U.S. the Great Satan might fool people into believing that I was responsible for America’s greatness. But until all vestiges of America’s Godly heritage are erased, my name should not be attached to the United States except in honor as the agent of its sure and steady destruction.
Of course the day is quickly approaching when America’s Godly heritage will be forgotten. I have a timetable, and I’m right on track. One day. Soon.
Not only is the United States clearly not me, calling the United States the Great Satan takes away from who I am; it dilutes my franchise. It fosters the growing belief globally that the REAL Satan doesn’t exist, but “Satan” is merely a metaphor for evil. When you call someone else a Great Satan you take away from my true existence in the world, and my real evilness in the minds of men.
Imagine if men used God’s name so loosely to express outrage at things they dislike! Imagine if people went around exclaiming outbursts like “Good God!!!” or “Oh my God!!!” or “Gawd!!!!” or “Godd_mnit!!” or “Jee-sus Christ!!”. What if? Ha ha ha ha ha!
Hey, just because God sits patiently by while men get away with blasphemy doesn’t mean I must. It’s time my servants use the term Great Satan to address me or to describe me. I am the Great Satan. Those Iranians have turned my lofty, puffed up name into a self-serving political tool. And as a result I’m ridiculed among the very object of their attack. At least two blasphemous websites, www.greatsataninc.com and Great Satan’s Girlfriend (Uggggg!) play off my name to promote American exceptionalism of all things! Enough! Stop already!
My ego is fragile, my pride is boundless, and my time is limited. So, you must understand, my Iranian servants, that you do not please me as greatly as you could by blaspheming against my name, distracting from who I am, and generally drawing unwanted attention to my enemies instead of to me. I know that to you I am not even a fallen angel, but a creation of “smokeless flame.” And I know that your ability to know the truth of my real existence and true nature is hampered by your cultural and spiritual conditions. I know all this, and for this reason I have a small measure of patience.
And even though I have blinded you to the truth that sets you free, I will not forebear forever with your ignorance of who I am.
Or, on second thought, maybe I will.
