Archive for Hell

Post-Hell Christianity? Huh?

Posted in Bible, christians, Hell, progressives, theology with tags , on July 17, 2011 by devilbloggger

Expansive.

Hell in the news again, my servants.  And you just have to love the title of the latest article in my Huffington Post entitled, “Post Hell Christianity and Other Questions of the Afterlife.”  The Huffington Post article, written by Kim Lawton of Religion & Ethics NewsWeekly, asks us to imagine what happens after death.  Is there an afterlife?  Is there a heaven?  Who gets in?  And what happens to those who don’t.  But more importantly, M. Lawton reports on renewed discussion in Christian and so-called Christian circles on the very existence of Hell.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I love it.  Post-Hell Christianity?

Really?

How can that be?  There may be a post-Hell worldview, a post-Hell belief system, even a post-Hell religion, my friends. 

But it is categorically impossible to have a post-Hell Christianity. 

Come to think of it, why do people care?  Really, why are people who have no interest in pleasing God beyond accepting self-approved religious beliefs even concerned with Hell at all? 

In any event consider: How do we know anything at all about Heaven or Hell in the first place?

Huh?  Think, think, think.

Right!  There is only one reason that the concept of Heaven or Hell, much less the very words themselves, even exist in our language: the Bible.

The Bible, and particularly Jesus, were very clear on the existence of Hell, who it was created for (moi, merci), who else is going to populate it (peut-être vous, s’il vous plaît?), and what it is like (vous ne voulez pas savoir). 

And, although I don’t like to advertise for the competition, as well Jesus Christ was very explicit about how to get to Heaven.

So why the discussion? 

Well, my friend Bell has a view on Hell that he’s tried to sell causing others to yell in an effort to quell the rising swell of something that smells.

Go that?  Rob Bell’s, the name.  Robbing Hell’s the game.   You can read what I’ve written about Rob Bell here, here, and here. 

Here’s how Ms. Lawton sets up the current issue over Hell’s existence.  First she quotes some truth-bearing Godpunk named Mary Vanden Berg, an assistant professor of systematic theology at Calvin Seminary:

There is one sure way to know that you will spend eternal life with God, in the presence of God, and that is through faith in Jesus Christ.

But according to Ms. Lawton’s article: “Bell offers a more expansive view.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.  I like “expansive.”

Expansive means, “Well, yes, the Bible has something explicit to say about Hell, but I prefer to read in my own interpretation of more tangential sayings of Jesus Christ.”

Why?

Why not?  Hey, if truth can be changed merely by believing something different, why not?

Wait . . . hmmmm.

Whatever.  According to Ms. Lawton, “Bell points to Scriptures where Jesus says he is restoring all things and drawing all people to himself.”

In other words, Hell is not where unbelievers spend eternity, because Jesus restores everything to himself and draws all people to himself, which, I’m guessing Bell believes is in Heaven (it’s hard to tell, because Bell relies not on the whole of scripture for his worldview).

Hey, Bell, if that’s true, why preach any gospel at all? 

Hmmm?

Why?

You can get back to me on that one.  In the meantime, keep on preaching the love of Christ absent the judgment of Christ. 

And I will keep on welcoming the BellHellers with Hell’s bells.

But don’t call your preaching Christian.  Because it is not.  A gospel without a literal, imminent, eternal Hell is one of my clever perversions, one of my confusions, one of my deceits, in which people fail to understand the plain teaching of Jesus Christ.

The world may have entered a post-Hell era.  But it is not post-Hell Christianity.  It is merely post-Christian.

Period.

2 Comments »

Southern Baptists: Hell is Real!

Posted in Bible, False religion, Hell, heresy with tags , , , , on June 20, 2011 by devilbloggger

Quote of the Day: Rob Bell is not the first to preach the Gospel Of Human Fairness, which goes by the theological name of “universalism.” Entire denominations are built around the idea that a loving God would never send anyone to Hell. . . . [I]f Rob Bell is right Jesus is either a liar or a lunatic.  — Rob Hell? Fortunately, no.

Wheeee!

Here we go again, my friends.  Hell is hot news today, with its really real realitiness seeming to hang in the balance of the opinion of men.  Question:  If everyone on earth believed a literal Hell did not exist, would the truth of Hell’s existence change?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

A prime vanity of human beings, my servants, is the propensity to believe that truth conforms to what one thinks about it.

Hey, did you know, my servants, that there is one thing, nay, two things on which Jesus and I are in perfect agreement?  First, we both believe that God exists and he is who he says he is.  And second, we both believe in a literal Hell, and it is what he says it is.

Why doesn’t everyone agree with Jesus and me?  Well, on the first point many people speak as fools, and on the second many fools speak as people.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!  Because at least I get to meet all the fools personally and thank them for their blind service to my kingdom.

But those Southern Baptists in the United States?  I have to do some work on them there backwoods Bible Thumpers.  It seems that those trouble makers held a convention last week and issued a resolution asserting their “belief in the biblical teaching on eternal, conscious punishment of the unregenerate in Hell.”

According to a TIME mag story reported by Yahoo news entitled, “Religious Rebuttal: Southern Baptists Resolve that Hell is Real,” we read that the Southern Baptists did their rebutting with a Resolution titled succinctly, “Don’t Believe in Hell? Well, Die and Learn.”

Well, it’s about time!  Finally someone is standing up for moi and my proud abode!  I was beginning to believe that even Christians would soon write me off as a mean myth or a meddlesome metaphor.

But now there are two places, at least, where the truth about Hell is confirmed: In the Southern Baptist’s resolution and in the Bible.

Maybe people will believe the Southern Baptists.  Who knows?

But why the perceived need by those Baptist ne’er-do-wells to publicly reiterate the Bible’s plain teaching?  Who butted in the first place that necessitated a rebuttal?

Look no further than the Resolution’s first “Whereas” clause:

WHEREAS, Rob Bell, in his 2011 book, Love Wins, has called into question the church’s historical teaching on the doctrine of eternal punishment of the unregenerate …

Ha ha ha ha ha.

That Rob Bell dude.  I like him.  I’ve written about him here, and here.   Apparently no-Hell-Bell has decided that Jesus’ clear message in the Bible has produced “theological rigidity” and, according to Bell, a “dangerous thing” in a “faith of exclusion.”

So Rob Bell wrote another book to supplant the Bible’s teachings, called Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived.  I blogged it here.

According to critics, in Love Wins Bell decided to rectify Jesus’ theological rigidity by preaching universalism, a theology that suggests everyone goes to Heaven and Hell is empty.

Winner, winner, chicken sinner!

Question: which is more dangerous, to tell someone they are headed for a cliff or to pretend the cliff doesn’t really exist?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Now, the good part, my servants.  Let me show you how poor thinking skills, faulty logic, and an untrained mind work to further my kingdom.  According to the TIME article, Bell defends his unorthodox teaching with the following jewel of my deception:

 When we get to what happens when we die, we don’t have any video footage. So let’s at least be honest that we are speculating, because we are.

Really, RobMyBelleButNotMyHell?  Really?

Tell me, My Belle, is there any video footage of Heaven?

No?

Then on what basis can you say anything about Heaven or Hell?  Isn’t it all speculation.  Why should we listen to your speculation about Heaven any more than we should listen to your speculation about Hell?

Shouldn’t we be looking for someone who knows, and who isn’t relying on speculation?  Perhaps one who created both Heaven and Hell?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

For Rob Bell, it’s all speculation. 

For Christians, it’s not.

Look!  Here comes another Love Wins reader!  Look at that face!

Wheeee!

10 Comments »

Progressives and the Reality of Hell: Dysfunctional Utopia

Posted in atheists, christians, Hell, progressives, Uncategorized with tags , on June 17, 2011 by devilbloggger

Quote of the Day: Love wins as each person facing eternity with me immediately becomes a true believer; my realm teems with irredeemable theists, like me.
– Rob Hell? Fortunately, no.

Progressives.

Political progressives are religious, too, you know.  Most are atheists, or practical atheists.  But many call themselves Christians, and some are Christians.  Do you know how to tell if they are “progressive” or not?  I’ll tell you: ask them if they believe in Hell.

A real, literal place called Hell.

A living progressive will answer “no” or lie and mumble something about “maybe”.

Of course, a dead progressive would tell you yes, if only he or she could.  My kingdom is full of regretful progressives.

As long as only you and I know this, my servants, all is well.  The fact that progressives, including Christians and those who call themselves Christians, don’t believe in Hell is a mixed blessing.  I must admit it hurts a bit that most people do not believe in Hell, and similarly, don’t believe in me.

This must be how God feels.  Or worse, because unlike me, God actually cares for each person who rejects belief in his existence.

But having people not believe in Hell ultimately works to my favor because this non-belief manifests itself in a lifestyle that furthers my will on earth.  The unbelieving progressive rarely harms my kingdom directly and never harms my kingdom indirectly by winning new souls to freedom in Christ. 

That’s why, my servants, I hate to read articles like the one in Crisis Magazine by Samuel Gregg entitled, Hell, Heaven, and Progressive Catholics.  Mr. Gregg shines the light of truth on the subject, and although he focuses on Catholic progressives, his analysis is equally valid for all Christians and those who call themselves Christians.

Noting the propensity of Catholics to embrace politically expedient but scripturally questionable political positions, Mr. Gregg correctly notes a reason:

Though it’s impolitic to say so, one such pressure may be the effective denial of the reality of hell that has become part of much contemporary Christian life.

Yikes!

If plain truth like that gets mainstream attention, my gig might end sooner than I hoped!

Yes, impolitic, but true, my servants.  Large swaths of so-called Christians (how could someone say they are a follower of Christ and deny Hell?) simply don’t believe in Hell anymore.  Hell is so last century.  Outdated.  Or, as Mr. Gregg recognizes, simply uncomfortable:

Hell is not a comfortable subject. The idea that we can, by virtue of one or more of our free choices, potentially separate ourselves eternally from God’s love is frightening.

And while this discomfort drives many people to ignore Hell in the belief that it then goes away, Mr. Gregg dangerously takes God’s side in the matter:

But the reality of hell and that it will be populated by those who fail to choose to repent of such choices (we don’t know the identity or number of such people, and pray and hope we won’t  be among them) is firmly attested to by Scripture and Tradition.

My servants, let me be plain with you.  I know you will keep this confidential.  Hell is populated by millions who failed to repent.  We’re full to the brim, with newcomers tumbling in every hour.

And as long as Christians fail to fully grasp the reality of Hell as an eternal destination for those who fail to yield to God’s grace on Earth, I’ll just have to keep finding more room for the daily arrivals.

But the real earthly benefit to my kingdom in progressive Hell-deniers is the transfer of faith from God to government.  As Gregg notes:

Pope Benedict illustrates how the disappearance of the hope of heaven meant people started putting their faith in science to create a totally new world: “a kingdom of man” rather than the kingdom of heaven. This, Benedict argues, explains much of the modern world’s dysfunctionality.

Dysfunctionality.  I like that.

And with respect to Catholics, Mr. Gregg notes:

When it comes to Catholics, hell’s disappearance and the ensuing trivialization of the hope of heaven has resulted in some effectively redefining their faith so that it becomes almost exclusively focused on various political agendas with utopian flavors (“end poverty forever”).

Utopian political agendas.  I like that, too.

Dysfunctionality and utopian political agendas go together like thunder and lightning: both originate in lofty turbulence and the former always follows the latter.  Sow utopian political agenda; reap dysfunctionality.

But if Christians ever do grasp the reality of Hell . . .

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

It will never happen.

1 Comment »

Rob Hell? Fortunately, no.

Posted in False religion, Hell, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 16, 2011 by devilbloggger

Winner winner, chicken sinner.

You will find in Time magazine this week, my servants, a remarkably accurate article on a topic of great interest to me: Hell. Author Jon Meacham analyzes and questions the current theological understanding of mi casa in his article. The title is the only thing to which I object: Is Hell Dead?

Hey, Jon, is Time dead?

Hell was created for me and my demons, and according to Jesus Christ, it is the place of eternal punishment for a certain subset of earthlings as well.

How could Hell be dead?

Of course, Mr. Meacham is being somewhat provocative as he explores a current phenom in the evangelical Christian world: Pastor Rob Bell’s new book entitled, Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived.

Of course, I have long known about a book with the same title, but I always called it by its shortened name: The Bible.

Why another book on the same subject?

Because apparently, Bell has decided that the message of the first book produced “theological rigidity” and, according to Bell, a “dangerous thing” in a “faith of exclusion.”

You see, that first book, The Bible, teaches clearly from the mouth of Jesus Christ himself that a place called Hell exists, and that it is the eternal home of most people on earth.

Dangerous? Exclusionary? Rigid?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

My servants, let me impart some kingdom knowledge to you. Please keep this confidential. This is for your screen only. Do not forward this or copy it without my permission.

Here it is: God is sovereign. It pains me to say that, but the fact remains that God Is. And God plays by his own rules, as I so painfully found out. And God has given his rules in his Book, which may be confusing on some issues, but on the issue of Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived, the Bible is very, very clear.

I have the souls to prove it, my servants. They tumble in through my gates with surprised looks on their faces by the thousands every day. Love wins as each person facing eternity with me immediately becomes a true believer; my realm teems with irredeemable theists, like me.

It’s not fair, is it?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

You see, my servants, humans have rebelled against God’s righteous judgments from the beginning, shouting in their self-righteous human wisdom: THAT’S NOT FAIR, GOD!

Rob Bell is not the first to preach the Gospel Of Human Fairness, which goes by the theological name of “universalism.” Entire denominations are built around the idea that a loving God would never send anyone to Hell. Everyone makes it in. Everyone’s a winner.

And, of course, that’s fair. And loving. Why? Because Rob Bell says so in his second book to address the subject and correct the mistakes of the first.

That’s why.

Is Hell Dead?

Now I see why Mr. Meacham is asking. Because if Rob Bell is right, Hell as a theological construct is meaningless. Hell is no longer important or interesting.

Hell is dead.

As Mr. Meacham writes:

“Bell’s arguments about heaven and hell raise doubts about the core of the Evangelical worldview, changing the common understanding of salvation so much that Christianity becomes more of an ethical habit of mind than a faith based on divine revelation.”

R. Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, responds to Bell’s correcting Jesus:

“When you adopt universalism and erase the distinction between the church and the world,” says Mohler, “then you don’t need the church, and you don’t need Christ, and you don’t need the cross. This is the tragedy of nonjudgmental mainline liberalism, and it’s Rob Bell’s tragedy in this book too.”

It’s someone’s tragedy, for sure. Millions of people if Rob Bell is wrong; Jesus’ if Rob Bell is right.

Because if Rob Bell is right Jesus is either a liar or a lunatic.

If Rob Bell is right.

If.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Humans.

Do you know, my servants, that truth is not changed by what Humans think about it?

Hey, maybe Rob Bell can write a book explaining why I should not be in Hell?

Will you spring me, Rob? Can you? Can your authoritative sermonizing be extended to a Gospel of Truly Universal Fairness such that me and my demons can escape our divine judgment?

Why not?

Then how can you authoritatively preach a Gospel of Human Fairness?

That’s not fair.

Hey, but do I really care?

Not really.

Because at least Rob Bell won’t rob Hell.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

3 Comments »

Well Hell’s Bell

Posted in Hell, Truth with tags , , on March 25, 2011 by devilbloggger

Hell.  Bell.  Well?

Hell, thanks to author and hipster pastor Rob Bell, is in the news. Or rather the absence of hell—or its maybe-absence—or its maybe-temporary-reality. I stole that sentence (because that’s what I do) from an excellent article I don’t want you to read by David French, found at patheos.com, entitled, The Perfect Justice of Hell.  OK, go ahead and read it.

This Rob Bell dude is taking some hits for his views on Hell, among other things.  Many asked me to weigh in for obvious reasons, but I wanted to wait and let Christians and those who call themselves Christians bicker and fight a little longer. 

I find musings on Hell to be amusing.   Down here we delight in the fact that, as  Mr. French noted, many “progressive Christians” are embarrassed that most evangelicals still believe in Hell. 

So why all the fuss about hipster pastor Rob Bell?

It seems he wrote a book entitled, ““Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived.”  Of course, there already is a book about Heaven, Hell, and the fate of every person who ever lived.  What does Mr. Bell think he has to add to that one?

Much, apparently. 

According to CNNs Belief Blog,  critics contend Mr. Bell is ”playing fast and loose with heaven and hell, salvation and damnation.”  According to these critics Bell “was preaching universalism, a theology that suggests everyone goes to heaven and hell is empty.”

What does Bell have to say in his defense?  In the Belief Blog piece, said this about Hell:

“Greed, injustice, the sex trade in Far East Asia, we see hell all around us, whenever people reject what is good and human and right and peaceful and all that.”

And all that?

And he said this about people:

“I begin with this world right now and the observation that we are free to choose. It’s the nature of love. So then when you die, I would assume [given] the nature of love you can continue to make these types of choices.”

My servants, let me be frank.  I have not read Bell’s book, and I don’t know his heart; only God does.  But the two statements above show a fundamental misunderstanding of Hell. 

I’m not sure if I like that or not.  On the one horn, I’m a little prickly when it comes to acknowledging my abode; you might say I have some pride in that area.  On the other horn, however, I take much delight in people being led astray by falsehoods.  Such led-astrayers rarely cause trouble for my kingdom.

Let me do this, my servants.  Why don’t I tell you my most popular lies about Hell.  Then go read Rob Bell’s book and you decide for yourself if the hipster pastor is a hero or a heretic.

Lie:  Hell is not a real place.

Lie:  Hell is not a place of eternal conscious punishment for the wicked.

Lie:  Hell is not a place of unquenchable fire.

Lie:  There are no truly cursed, who will be commanded to depart into eternal fire, created for me and my angels.

Lie:  No one deserves Hell.

Lie:  Hell is “on earth” all around us.

Lie:  After death, deceased humans can continue to make moral choices, including to follow God.

That should get you started.  Each of these lies represents a statement opposite to the clear teachings of Jesus and/or the Bible.  So to the extent that Rob Bell teaches something different he is, indeed, a heretic of the Christian faith.

It pains me to do so, but I urge you to read Mr. French’s take on Bell’s position:

“Rob Bell’s is an old argument: there’s no such thing as true damnation, and indeed the very idea is cruel. Progressive Christians argue that it’s repellent to our generation, and it may very well be. But it’s repellent not because orthodox Christianity is wrong. It’s repellent because we are wrong. Our unwillingness to acknowledge Hell is a marker not of our love and compassion but of our sin, our self-justification, and our utterly false sense of self-worth.”

Rob Bell expounds on his “old argument’ quite clearly when he responds to the question Is Gandhi in Heaven?  According to Belief Blog:

Bell would not be surprised if he saw Gandhi in heaven. “Jesus was very clear. Heaven is full of surprises. That’s central to Jesus teaching.”

Ha ha ha ha ha.

My servants, listen to Mr. Bell. 

Because Hell has a few surprises of its own.

1 Comment »

Hell? Yes!

Posted in Hell with tags on March 9, 2011 by devilbloggger

Hell.

I’m not sure if I’m happier with people believing Hell does not exist or believing it does.  On the one hand I want some respect: hey, if I exist, I exist somewhere.  But then again, I kind of like the way many Christians have watered down the concept of Hell; the less people really know, the more likely they are to meet me here, where everyone believes in Hell.

But this I know: I like calling the shots.  I want to be the one deceiving people, holding back the truth, and blinding eyes.  I want to take as many captive to my will on earth as possible.

That’s why, my servants, I must object to an article I read in First Things today.  Written by Joe Carter and entitled, “Yes, Evangelicals, There Really Is a Hell,” the article pretty much outs my lies and confirms the truth of Hell.  Blechhh!

First, Mr. Carter recognizes that modern Christians have “refined” diluting the doctrine of Hell “into a fine art.”    That wasn’t so bad; everyone knows that.

But Mr. Carter goes on to really hit me below the belt by characterizing modern, hip, pseudo-Christian (my term) teaching on Hell as “gooey New Age-ish mush that is creeping into our tradition.”  Yikes!  Then Mr. Carter goes on to spill my kingdom secret that new, hip Christians who go wobbly on the doctrine of Hell end up implicitly or explicitly teaching the “loving” doctrines of universalism, inclusivism, postmortem evangelism, conditional immortality, and annihilationism.

Well, yes. 

But Mr. Carter fails to pin the blame correctly.  Just why are people so willingly flocking to do my will?

Because of me, my servants.  I have successfully made Hell an embarrassment to Christians.  After all, how could a lovey-dovey God condone such a place?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Unfortunately, as Mr. Carter notes, there are still some “stodgy old evangelicals,” like Albert Mohler, who make my life miserable.  For one, Mohler spotted my lie that a Christianity without Hell is still Christianity.  He writes:

“A secular worldview that denies supernatural revelation must reject Christianity as a system and truth-claim. At the same time, it seeks to transform all religious truth-claims into matters of personal choice and opinion. Christianity, stripped of its offensive theology, is reduced to one “spirituality” among others.”

I delight in Christianity stripped of offensive theology. 

And Mohler continues:

“All the same, there are particular doctrines that are especially odious and repulsive to the modern and postmodern mind. The traditional doctrine of hell as a place of everlasting punishment bears that scandal in a particular way. The doctrine is offensive to modern sensibilities and an embarrassment to many who consider themselves to be Christians. Those Friedrich Schleiermacher called the “cultured despisers of religion” especially despise the doctrine of hell. As one observer has quipped, hell must be air-conditioned.”

Let me see if he got all my lies about Hell:

  • Especially odious and repulsive to the modern and postmodern mind?  Check.
  • Offensive to modern sensibilities?  Check.
  • Embarrassment to many who consider themselves to be Christians?  Check.
  • Culturally despised?  Check.
  • Air-conditioned? 

Ha ha ha ha ha.

2 Comments »

Hell’s (true) Angels

Posted in Hell, religion with tags , on October 28, 2010 by devilbloggger

Know what happens if you mess with the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club?

I mean, really mess with them, like make jewelry that looks like their trademarked “death head” emblem.  Know what they do? 

They will sue you. 

That’s right.  As the Los Angeles Times reported yesterday in an article entitled, “Hells Angels file suit against Alexander McQueen,” the Hells Angels got upset with the designer fashion label Alexander McQueen, and decided to get even by suing them:

In decades past, the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club settled disputes the old-fashioned way, with a swift kick in the groin or a punch in the face to the offending party. On Monday, the outlaw club opted for a more civilized action.

Now I got no real beef with the Hells Angels.  Any group with a web link to the Big House Crew is all right in my book.  But I don’t think I’m all right in theirs!  These bad boys completely misunderstand their namesake.  It’s right in their FAQs:

Q:  Isn’t the apostrophe missing in Hells Angels ?

A:  Should the Hells in Hells Angels have an apostrophe, and be Hell’s Angels? That would be true if there was only one Hell, but life & history has taught us that there are many versions and forms of Hell.

Excuse me?  You bad biker boys are talking about the biggest, baddest boy and his angels.  You see, Hell, the one and only, was created for me and my angels.   We are the real thing, the original Hell’s Angels (apostrophe and all!) and we are in the Ultimate Big House with no parole. 

“Life and history” may have taught something, but it taught you wrong if you think there are many versions and forms of Hell.  For the rest of you, my servants, I urge you not to get your theology from biker clubs.

Hell, there’s one, and it’s mine.

And you know what I do to mess with people?  I use them.  I lead them astray, I hide as a wolf in sheep’s clothing, I come as an angel of light, I cause men to wander from the truth, I take them captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world.

And I can tell you right now Biker Bob and Sidekick Suzy–you don’t want to come here.  Ha ha ha ha ha.  You think you are tough? You don’t know what tough is.  You just wait until you see some real Hell’s Angels and some real death heads knocking about without any regard to who you are (or were).  You wait till you see evil personified in a blackness that will drive you mad, with regret-filled days of anguish and gnashing of teeth.  Ha ha ha ha ha.  An eternity of lonely torment that is entirely avoidable (until it is too late).

You don’t believe me, do you?

No one does!  I tell  the truth and no one believes me.  Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hells Angels sue people to make them go away.

Hell’s Angels use people to make them come to stay.

Vrooooom!  Ha ha ha ha ha.

1 Comment »

Hitch is hangin’ strong

Posted in Hell, religion, Uncategorized with tags , on October 21, 2010 by devilbloggger

Oh how I long for mine to make it safely home.

And the time is nearing for one of my favorite servants, fervent atheist and author Christopher Hitchens.  He has influenced many for my kingdom, he is a true and faithful servant of mine.  And he is hanging strong.  His fortitude and obstinacy is a double whammy: he rejects God even as I mercilessly ravage his body to death.  Ha ha ha ha ha.

And what are my prospects for success?  As the Washington Post reports in an article entitled, “Christopher Hitchens: A humanist at heart,” Hitchens “has a special disdain for deathbed religious conversions.”

So do I.

And as I reported earlier, this is a time for my servants to hope for the worst.  Hitch is almost home.

Whatever you do, don’t pray for Hitch.  For reasons I cannot fathom, a lot of people are praying, and I wish they would stop.  I’m talking powerful, fervent prayers on his behalf!  Prayer is powerful, and can even result in the most flaming of atheists being ripped from my clutches.  I have worked too hard for too long for my buddy Hitchens to escape from my greedy grasp now. 

So please, if you know someone who prays, tell them to stop.

Hang in there, Hitch.  I’m doing all I can to battle the prayers for your soul.  You must continue to do your part in resisting the tug of a foreign love. 

Please, Hitch, do it for me.  I’ll leave the fires burning for you.

2 Comments »

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